Ramblings Not At the Movies: INTERSTELLAR!

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I would have loved this movie!  I think.

I would have loved this movie! I think.

Interstellar! Alright alright alright. How cool does this movie look! Matthew McConaughey running around in a spacesuit, looking really chill as he saves Michael Cain and a bunch of people in Kansas. Oh yeah, and Jessica Chastain. She’s in it too, and is really good in another pic I actually did watch, A Most Violent Year, but I digress. Back to the movie I’m factually in the dark about – Interstellar. I cannot wait to not see Interstellar, because it is number one on my list of movies to review – and 100% not actually experience. Actually the later statement is not entirely true. There is a remote chance that a few years from now, as I lay on the couch gaining weight and losing integrity, staring into the cold face of the void… I may watch Interstellar on the small screen. Assuming it’s already playing on my t.v., and somebody else actively put it on for me. And I’m drunk. Incredibly drunk. But that said, I promise you that at the time of this review, I have not seen the movie. Which is why I’m so excited to judge and review it!

Jessica realizing that letting Matthew smoke in the fields with Willie Nelson not the best idea.

Jessica realizing that letting Matthew smoke in the fields with Willie Nelson not the best idea.

From what I can tell from the trailers, Interstellar is about Matthew looking for a “new earth,” as Matthew’s earth is “dying.” Why is the earth dying? Who cares. There’s a million reasons, all of which you’ve heard in a prior movie or television show. Nukes, pollution, global warming, genetic decline, solar flare. Blah blah blah. Move on. Though my guess is it will have something to do with Obama Care. Either Obama Care directly destroyed the world or it’s repeal doomed us. Depending what state you are from, I invite you to choose the option that makes you happier.

Matthew declaring that they've found New Earth... and everyone's gonna have wear bathing suits.

Matthew declaring that they’ve found New Earth… and everyone’s gonna have to wear bathing suits.  Which Matthew is all good with…

Okay, where were we? Earth falling apart. In the trailer, Michael Cain, appearing in his 12,000th movie, tells Matthew that “your daughter will be part of earth’s last generation.” This presumably motivates Matthew to build a spaceship from parts laying around his farm. Because in all of the trailers, Matthew is in one of three places. A Kansas farm, with lots of dust. A fancy looking spaceshuttle… that kinda looks like a set from Gravity. Or exploring another planet, entirely covered in ice. Wait, given he’s looking for a new earth, shouldn’t he locate a warmer planet? There has to be another better planet, right? Or Matthew owns a winter coat factory.  Christopher Nolan must be hiding it in the trailer to surprise us, because from what I can tell, this movie is pretty linear.   Once again with the disclaimer that this is all pure conjecture and speculation and BS.  But absolutely correct.  I think.

Matthew realizes he was really stoned when he built his tiny ship.

Matthew realizes he was really stoned when he built his tiny ship.

Matthew chilling in his dirty Kansas farm is told by Michael Cain in voiceover that the world’s crumbling.  This is a mondo bummer, as Matthew loves his daughter and getting really high listening to Michael Cain’s disembodied advice. Initially Matthew’s cool with our planet’s demise, as he’s not in “active” protagonist mode yet. Something in the movie must motivate him. Transform him into the “hero.” How do I know that? Ah, professional writer. Hero’s journey, it’s like writer 101. Which is why I guarantee you that the following scene will be in Interstellar: Willie Nelson drives up in his pickup, and over bong bingo, tells Matthew he should build a spaceship from all the crap he has in the barn, and find us another world to live in. Matthew’s like, “alright alright alright, you are the man with the plan my brother,” and here we go.

It is highly unlikely that anything like Dinoshark is in this movie.

It is highly unlikely that anything like Dinoshark is in this movie.

CUT TO Matthew welding stuff, borrowing rocket fuel, dusting off his old spacesuit – right, I forgot to tell you – Matthew used to be in NASA before all the shuttles blew up thanks to Obama Care, which is why he and some kid moved to Kansas, or maybe not Kansas. Perhaps our dying world just looks like Kansas. The more I think about it, that’s probably what’s going on – Matthew living in doomsday Napa, which basically is Wichita with dried grapes. I’m sorry for these sidetrips, but having no real idea what happens in Interstellar, I have to keep an open mind regarding my wild speculation.

Matthew telling Jessica he's alright on weed.

Matthew telling Jessica he’s alright on weed.

Anyway, Matthew now builds his ship. Only, his kid’s like “Daddy, don’t leave. Willie Nelson is really creepy.” But Matthew is really persuasive, because he won an Academy Award, so he’s like “alright alright alright little lady, Daddy won’t leave. Hey, why don’t you run in the shack and grab me a bud, and then we can dissemble the spaceship and build a hothouse?” And the little girl does – which is when Matthew launches into space. Because saving humanity is his first priority. And he ran out of beer weeks ago…

Matthew ditching his daughter while she looks for his beer.

Matthew ditching his daughter while she looks for his beer.

Okay, so Matthew is in space, and at some point, Jessica Chastain joins him. I think. Or is she his wife and stays with the kid? No, I think I saw her in a spacesuit in the trailer. But I may be confusing her with Julia Roberts from Gravity? Wait, was Julia Roberts in Gravity? She was right? Anyway… Matthew and maybe Jessica Chastain are in space looking for a planet. The moon despite Willie Nelson’s guarantee turns out not to be new earth, so Matthew’s like, we need to “expand our horizons” and find a wormhole. And then he – realizes Julia Roberts was not in Gravity. It was Sandra Bullock. I apologize. I didn’t see Gravity. Nor Interstellar, so let’s end everyone’s pain here.

Matthew realizing that the Moon cannot sustain life, but is really really cool.

Matthew realizing that the Moon cannot sustain life, but is really really cool.

The movie ends after roughly three hours when Matthew and possibly Jessica Chastain enter another galaxy and find a “new earth.” Initially new earth sucks, it’s all ice and tidal waves, and Michael Cain voiceover’s like “you’re running out of time. Obama Care just destroyed Japan… and you’re daughter’s still looking for your beer.” And Jessica Chastain’s like “let’s give up. This was a mistake. I’m in too many movies and you do television.” But Matthew’s our hero – he don’t quit. Remember the hero’s journey?  Matthew does, and he’s about to complete it… because Matthew realizes that beneath the ice is… earth. Actual dirt. Matthew is an expert on dirt – which will have been set up in the prior two hours of movie where he is always covered in dirt. So Matthew, using his home-made ship’s engines, melts all of the ice on the planet, revealing a beautiful world. Basically Hawaii in May. And humanity is saved from extinction – Matthew giving Michael Cain voiceover the coordinates to “new earth,” which everyone will travel to using Matthew’s home-made spaceship blueprints. And that my friends is Interstellar. Had I actually seen this movie, I believe I would have loved it. Because Matthew kicks ass. Alright alright alright.

Matthew realizes that Hawaii is below the ice - and he's not in season two of True Detective.

Matthew realizes that Hawaii is below the ice – and he’s not in season two of True Detective.

Stop the presses!  I just saw a poster with Anne Hathaway!  Apparently she’s in the movie.  Which might mean I’m wrong about Jessica.  Whatever.  All I know is I’m not paying $15 to find out suckers.

Monster Mashup: The Scorpion and the Mothra.

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This week is a mash up.  I’m sorta obsessed with Mothra, and I’ve noticed that the most popular post I’ve ever had is Moral Monday:  The Scorpion and the Frog.  So … I decided to put them head to head, in … the Scorpion and the Mothra!

Now as readers of this blog already know, the Scorpion is a Meth-head that crossed into Utah, and in a murder-suicide, ended the life of a Mormon Frog by stinging the shit out of him, mid-river.  Because that’s what scumbag Meth heads do.  Dumb shit like that.

Scorpion prepares to be a dickhead.

Mothra, in contrast, is a monster-god, on a tiny Japanese Island, worshipped by magical, six-inch tall twin princesses, and a lot of “islanders” – basically more Japanese, but in loin cloths.  Mothra is really peaceful and cool, and runs his island with a velvet glove.  No crime, lots of singing and sex, and Mothra just chills in his mountain listening to jazz, and sends out the love.

Twin Princesses hanging in their cage. Cause that’s how Mothra likes it.

The only exception to Mothra’s chillness is when Godzilla starts fucking with Japan.  Which leads to a big dance number where the islanders gyrate and sing to Mothra, and the tiny princesses, who always speak at the same time – normally annoying but these two sex dolls can pull it off – ask Mothra to leave his fortress of mellow, and go kick Godzilla’s ass.

Resulting in Mothra doing just that … but in a really fucked up way.  Cause at first, Mothra seems to have a plan.  He flies around, and generally blasts Godzilla with hurricane winds (did I mention that Mothra can make hurricane winds by flapping?), which really pisses off Godzilla.  Then Mothra follows this move by knocking Godzilla down with his big-ass bug body, and then shooting him with his Mothra web – which Spiderman totally copied.

Godzilla being like … shit it’s fucking Mothra!

The only problem with the plan is where it leads … to Mothra’s death.  Because Godzilla always kills Mothra.  How?  He’s fucking Godzilla.  And if you don’t know Mothra’s end game, you get sad, cause Mothra’s dead.  And Mothra’s really fucking cool.  Like, you want to hang with him, and just shoot the shit.  Cause he’s Mothra.

And Godzilla is a total asshole.  And he’s cocky, which is why he keeps attacking Japan, thinking nobody can fuck with him.  But he’s wrong.  Because Godzilla doesn’t know Mothra’s real power … Mothra reincarnates!

As twin Mothra caterpillars!  Who emerge from giant glowing eggs after a big dance number by the natives, and a sexy song by the twin Princesses.  The new Mothras, after promising to tweet their adventures, swim off to Japan to get revenge for the death of old Mothra, who really is them, the baby Mothras.  It’s a Buddhist thing.

Twin Mothras catching rays and tweeting on the beach.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so the new Mothras show up in Japan, and totally surprise the shit out of Godzilla, who’s too distracted with stepping on Japanese tanks to notice the sticky Mothra webs the twin Mothras shoot at him, eventually trapping the prick in a cocoon of goo.  Which they then drag to a volcano, and push Godzilla’s lame ass into.  Resulting in an earthquake, and ding, dong, the asshole’s gone.

Mothra II uses spiderman web shooter on asshole Godzilla.

And then the twin baby Mothras swim back to Mothra Island, and generally get the shit worshiped out of them, totally hooking up with the Princesses, until a few years later, Godzilla pops back up –cause he’s fucking Godzilla — and we repeat the whole drill.

So, what the hell does any of this have to do with the Scorpion you say?  The answer:  everything!  Cause Godzilla is the Scorpion.  He shows up out of nowhere, fucks with Mothra, kills our buddy mindlessly and eventually dies himself as a result.  The only difference is Mothra is not the Frog.   He’s the opposite of the Frog — the anti-Scorpion.  Cause Mothra is a big time Buddhist rockstar.  Kill him and he comes back stronger, which makes him quietly the most kick-ass giant monster ever.  Hear that, all you “he’s just a big filthy moth” haters out there.  That means you Gamra!

Don’t think Mothra’s the real deal?  Read this poster!

Which is why the Scorpion, as messed up as he is on Meth, wouldn’t pull his shit on Mothra.   He’d get the hell out of Dodge if he saw giant fucking Mothra hovering over him.  None of this “hey, can I fly on your back then sting you and we both fall to our deaths while I laugh shit?”  Because the Scorpion would sense Mothra’s awesome Buddha power, and know that Karma’s a bitch.  Mothra’s bitch.

And it’s coming for you Scorpion.  Or should I say, Scorpion, soon to be re-born as the Frog.  That gets killed by the Scorpion.  Cause it’s all a circle.

Go Mothra.  Boo Scorpion.

Mothra Day biggest holiday on Mothra Island.

Moral Monday: The Grasshopper and the Ant.

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The Grasshopper declining to help the Ants forage for food because he’s gonna be busy playing his violin and smoking crack.

Of course we had to hit the Ant and the Grasshopper one of these Moral Mondays.  It’s THE Classic of Aesop’s “let’s bum kids out” Fables.  As everyone knows, the Ant works really hard all year getting ready for winter, while the Grasshopper is a total fuckup who just wants to spend every second getting wasted, playing his fiddle, and having unprotected sex with flies.  Then winter hits and BOOM!  The Ant’s all cozy and comfy in his cool-ass house, while the Grasshopper’s like “let me in Ant!  Cause if you don’t, I’m gonna fucking die – and not from Gonorrhea as you predicted, but starvation and the fucking cold!  Open up you asshole!   Agghh!  Agghh!”

Which in the original version the Ant – DOES NOT!  Cause the original moral was that hard work pays off, while laziness and sloth leads to a horrific death.  And for a century or two, people were good with that moral … only times change.

So later versions, citing Christian charity, or social responsibility towards those who have less than you – made the Ant let the lazy Grasshopper in his house.  Yay!  Cause we all know how that worked out for the Ant.  Here’s one version:

Ant:  “Grasshopper!  The foods all gone!  Where’s all of our food?!”

Grasshopper:   [Laughing, eyes red]  “I smoked it.  Isn’t that fucking funny.  Oh, and I just blew out the bathroom, dude, so give it 20.  Now I’m hungry.  Go find us food.”

At least that’s how I think it would play out.  But moving on …

There has been a centuries long debate over this story.  Does the Ant have a duty to help the Grasshopper?  Some writers have argued that the Ant represents an unfulfilled,  pedestrian life, while the Grasshopper is the free spirit, the artist … the one who should be celebrated, emulated – supported.

So where do you stand?  Should the Ant open the door?  Should you open the door when your lazy brother needs a place to crash for a month?  Should you give money to the homeless?  Should you pay more in taxes to help the jobless?

Now we’re getting deep!  And political, so let’s finish this up before a fight breaks out.

And close with some modern versions of the Ant and Grasshopper, from the world of Hollywood!

You, Me and Dupree.  Owen Wilson (Dupree) is the Grasshopper, who moves in with married Ant Matt Dillon, and quickly destroys his life, screws his wife Kate Hudson, and is generally really annoying … but he is just so damn Owen Wilson sweet.  But not that sweet.   VERDICT:   Don’t let the Grasshopper in.

Down and Out in Beverly Hills.  Homeless Grasshopper Nick Nolte moves in with Beverly Hills family, lead by Ant Richard Dreyfuss.  Like in Dupree, Nolte quickly destroys the Ant’s life, screws his wife Bette Midler (Grasshoppers like banging wives – even unattractive ones), not to mention the hot latina maid that Dreyfuss is having an affair with.  Based on the women’s noises, the Grasshopper is good at the sex thing.   Nolte also encourages the son to come out of the closet, which really pisses off Dreyfuss.   In the end Dreyfuss miserable, but rest of family happy, and Nolte finally showered and not eating garbage.  VERDICT:  Let the Grasshopper in!

Gulliver’s Travels with Jack Black.  Screw that, all JACK BLACK MOVIES.  Jack Black is always the Grasshopper.   Always.  Not saying he doesn’t have range but … his range is … the fucking Grasshopper.  And Jack Black is always fat, drunk and stupid, and messes up a lot of shit.   In Gulliver, he’s also really tall, so he steps on a lot of shit, and makes GIANT farts, which blows tiny Lilliputian houses over.  In School of Rock he … whatever.  The rolls are all the same.  VERDICT:  Bolt the fucking door.

Method master Jack Black in character as The Grasshopper.

Swingers.  Vince Vaughn is the Grasshopper, while Jon Favreau is the Ant.  And Vince Vaughn, as superfriend Trent, is awesome.  Trent’s the most awesome movie buddy ever.  The most awesome Grasshopper ever.  He totally props up humorless Mike at every turn, telling him he’s “Money,” when the Ant is so NOT money.  Ant Favreau on the other hand is the worst.  A total prick.  He’s so self-obsessed, and mean to Vince.  Get over yourself man.  And stop leaving messages to chicks that don’t like you!  VERDICT:  Ant leave, Grasshopper stay!

I’m so confused.  Do I open the door, or close the door?  Is it Owen or Vince?   Ughh!  This is too real for me.  But we need a moral for this Monday, as all of you Ants gotta get back to work,  so … ah, give me a second … and … Got it!

Don’t watch Jack Black movies, because they are all the same.  They are.  Unless you’re really depressed … cause sometimes he’s funny.  He is.  Kinda.  If you’re depressed.

What really happens in nature: badass Ant eats a Grasshopper.

MORAL MONDAY: THE SCORPION AND THE FROG.

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Crazy Scorpion Kills Frog.

Today I’ve decided to focus on the famous fable, The Scorpion and The Frog, that some of you may remember from your youth, or not — as I’m aware some of my readers are not classically educated.

In it, a Scorpion wants to cross the river, so he asks a Frog to carry him across the river on its back.  The Frog declines, pointing out that the Scorpion is poisonous, and will kill the Frog.  The Scorpion counters that the Frog will be in no danger, because if the Scorpion stings the Frog during the watery journey, both will perish.  Buying this logic, the Frog agrees, allowing the Scorpion onto its back, and swims across the river.  Only when they reach the middle of the river, the Scorpion stings the Frog.  Shocked and dying, the Frog declares “Why?  You’ve killed us both!”  To which the now drowning Scorpion retorts:  “Because I’m a Scorpion.”  And they both die.

The moral to this tale:  “One’s nature cannot be changed.”

Which I agree with … I really do.  Only this fable doesn’t tell us that.  Not one bit.  It’s flawed … actually totally off the charts fucking flawed, and I’m gonna tell you why.

First off, Scorpions live in deserts.  Begging the question, what the fuck is the Scorpion doing in a forest, and why the hell does he want to cross the river?  Does he have a picnic date under the Willow tree with the Spider?  Not likely.

Also, while the Scorpion can sting, it’s not Hannibal Fucking Lector.  They use their tails to kill prey, or defend themselves.  Period.  Ever see a Scorpion eat a big-ass Frog?

What’s more likely is that the Frog, which eats insects, would tell the Scorpion “Hey dude, come over here … you gotta see this crazy-ass YouTube video about a Snake that can blow itself,”  and then THWAP!  The Scorpion gets nailed with the Frog’s cool-ass Venus Fly Trap tongue, and is gobbled down into the Frog’s belly.  Which probably results in the Scorpion stinging the shit out of the Frog’s insides, killing them both.  Hmmm … that’s what happened in the Fable.  But at least my version is fucking logical.  A bit flawed, but better than the original.

But this version still doesn’t address the biggest problem with the Fable.  The fact that the  Scorpion is acting in a suicidal manner by even going near the gigantic insect-eating Frog, let alone coming up with the brilliant idea of turning the Frog into its own personal fucking Titanic.

Makes zero sense, as rule number one of “nature” is survival at all costs.  Survive, and reproduce.  Yet, in this non-sensical story, the Scorpion’s willing to kill itself just for shits and giggles.  “Gotcha Frog!  Now we both sink to our doom, ha ha ha!!!”  It doesn’t make sense …

Unless …  we see this story for what it is … the story of a drug addict out of control, destroying everything and everyone around it.  We all know this guy.

Because the Scorpion clearly is a Meth head.  Totally out of its fucking mind, driven from its desert home by pissed off family and friends, tired of dealing with its fucked up Breaking Bad shit.

Which is a world unknown to the Frog, cause I’m guessing the Frog is a Mormon.  Never even exposed to alcohol, let alone a messed up, poisonous predator off its rocker on crank.  Taught from a Tadpole to believe in helping your fellow forest critter, and to wear special underwear.  “Sure I’ll carry you across, Mr. sweating Scorpion.  Are you familiar with the works of Joseph Smith?”

Think about it.  Makes perfect sense.  It has to be the real story.   Tragic, but true.

And the Moral of the story:  Meth heads should stay out of Utah.

Mormon Frog’s blood system is flooded with low grade crank.

Is it just me, or is Jiff the Dog actually Jubilex, the Lord of Insanity?

jiffguiness

Jiff, accepting an award for being a weirdo.

Check out Jiff, posing for its so called Guinness Book World Record for… walking.  The dog walked, doing a pawstand… and it was funny.  Or odd.  Beyond odd.  How bout a record for weird.  I’m just saying, the dog doesn’t look all there. There’s no way part of you isn’t thinking the same thing… I mean, it’s a dog that only walks on two legs.  It’s bipedal.  But it’s not a person.  And it’s not an amputee.  And I don’t believe it’s a CGI creation, though if it is, I totally take back everything in this post.  But I’m pretty sure the creature’s real flesh and blood. Alive. And probably murdering someone as you read this.  Which is why  I’m totally freaked out.  Just watch the below video, and tell me it’s not f-ing bizarro. Creepy.  Old man touching you creepy.

Now take a look at the below Selfie of Jubilex, Demon Lord of Insanity, and tell me you don’t see the resemblance?  Come on, it’s so obvious!  It’s in the eyes, and the ooze.  Don’t you see it!  I mean, I’m talking twins.  Clones.

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Jubilex, Lord of Insanity, hanging out at Coachella.  VIP.

Okay, maybe it’s the Chablis buzz wearing off, but I’m slowly realizing that comparing Jiff to a major Demonic Lord of the Abyss could perhaps be a wee bit of a stretch —  but I’m not totally off the reservation on this.  Right?  I mean, it’s just that… I don’t believe that Jiff is a stable individual. There, hate me if you will, but I said it!  Dead black, soul-less eyes.  Sharp canines protruding from a cavernous mouth, out of which dangles a blood-red tongue… reaching out towards your soul.  Not to mention, the human fingers growing out of its stomach are totally gross.  Like John Carpenter’s The Thing gross.

Every time I look at this picture, I wet myself in fright.

Does the above remind you of something.  Or somethings.  Perhaps our alien masters… the Greys?  Hidden within our government, pulling the strings.  Think I’m nuts.  Isn’t it odd that after Roswell, suddenly we have f-ing computers.  Think about it!  There’s no other explanation.  And now Jiff the Dog.  Who walks on two legs like a person, and has a human hand above its belly button.

ThreeGreys

Our Alien Masters, who gave us computers.. and relatives of Jiff.

Add fur and open the mouth, and Jiff’s a dead ringer.  And once again, Jiff walks on two legs! And wears clothes.  What dog wears clothes?  I mean, they don’t have fingers, thumbs.  They can’t dress themselves, yet as the below shows, Jiff wears 70s shirts and jean shorts.  Not only showing bad fashion sense, but proof positive of its dark, supernatural origins.

If this thing walked into my room, I’d just start praying… and shooting.

Once again, I’m convinced that Jiff the so-called dog is hiding something, and I know what.  Its true face.  A tentacled, cosmically hideous face, which if shown to mankind, would result in horrors beyond the human imagination.  Because Jiff isn’t Jubilex, or our alien masters.  Jiff is… Cthulhu!

cthulhu-hp-lovecraft-220408-3508x4961

Jiff the dog…or Cthulhu!

July 4 Cats!!!

No way anyone hates America who sees this little guy strutting the colors.

There’s nothing to kick off a weekend of hotdogs, beer and good ol’ fashioned patriotism like cute, funny, and clothes ridden kitties.  So in the tradition of lazy posting, here they are!

Uncle Sam never looked so purrfect.

Turning a small animal into a walking flag is why we fought the Brits — they enforce their animal cruelty laws.

A feline patriot at NASCAR.

Minimalist.

Even evil genius cats rock this weekend.

Where did this dog come from?!!!

Native American cats forgive and forget when it comes to fireworks.

Gay cats also have PRIDE on this holiday!

Look at what almost got smothered in our pile of flags… pure awesomeness!

Amen, little brother!

RAMBLINGS’ NOT AT THE MOVIES: AFTER EARTH

Jaden mourns the death of his Dad … who space parachuted into the volcano, that erupted out of viewer outrage at the passing of the Fresh Prince.

Okay, I haven’t “not” seen a movie recently that really inspired me to write a review … until this gem.  From what I’ve been able to figure out from the trailers — and terrible reviews that I kinda have not read — superstar Will Smith dies pretty early in this bomb … leaving us stuck watching the movie star version of Justin Bieber — Jaden Pinket-Smith.  Add M. Night Shamalama-dingdong, and this movie screams … run away!!!

I’m guessing this movie really really sucked – guessing, because I have no actual idea what actually happens in this movie, having wisely decided to instead spend the $15 ticket price on a bottle of mass-produced California Chardonnay sold at Ralphs.  The alternative was to give Will Smith my $15, which he will spend on a $1200 bottle of Bordeaux he is drinking at this moment in the South of France, laughing at all of the morons who saw the latest screen credit he bought for his son.

Will Smith explains to his son that he’s about to fly off to a “real movie,” and to stop calling the director the “dumb brown bitch from Slumdog Millionaire.”

Now, for a plot summary … based on pure speculation, and 3 minutes of trailer footage.  Will Smith and his son are a Father-Son spaceship team, out on a really political correct mission for humanity — maybe looking for a planet that has an organic drug to cure narcissism.  We learn that humanity now lives on a planet called “Terra” or “New Earth” or “Bel Aire” in the Andromeda Galaxy.   The reason for this is “old Earth,” went to hell following Sony’s decision in 2019 to stop funding more MEN IN BLACK movies.   Things are going great on Will and Jaden’s ship, which probably involves one scene where they both do an ancient art-form called “rap”, cause they’re the coolest space Dad-Son combo ever – until Jaden does something stupid … like trying to think.

Will and Jaden show off their musical talent … as the ship heads towards an asteroid.

If I had to bet it all on what makes the ship crash, I’d go with WIll goes to bed, and gives his “irresponsible” son a job.  Will (in spacesuit): “Don’t hit the button that says ‘auto-destruct.'”  Jaden, being a sneeze above a vapid moron, promptly hits the button, and next thing you know, the flying partybus is burning through “old earth’s” atmosphere.

With seconds to spare — and a real movie to star in, filming in St. Tropez — Will tells his son he “loves” him … then shoots out an airlock and dies.  That I kinda saw in the trailer.  Sorry for the SPOILER, but I’m pretty sure Will dies.  And if you were stupid enough to see the movie, pretty sure you just got it up the wazoo with the old “bait and switch.”  Have fun watching Jaden try to run from CGI animals and “monsters” for the next 70 minutes.

Jaden Smith stares at a green screen … right before commanding his 34 year-old assistant, Janice, to go buy him one of the blonde bitch’s dragons from Game of Thrones.

The movie ends of course when Jaden, after a forgettable adventure staring blankly at green screen monsters, finds “something” that nobody cares about … probably an “ancient” communications station, so he can contact his massive agent team at CAA to rescue him.  He flies off on the agency supership, literally spilling “crocodile tears” over his dead Dad — literally as the entire Pinket-Smith family lubricates their eyes with imported Ugandan Crocodile saliva — and the movie thankfully ends, leaving a stunned audience with a “WTF” bubble over their heads.

Morgan Freeman is NOT in AFTER EARTH. He is in OBLIVION, which I did not see … but I WILL SEE!

Having picked on poor, or rich, Jaden, I should point out there is another villain in this movie scam.  M. Night Shamalama-dingdong.  After UNBREAKABLE, which I really really liked, M. Night has been phoning it in. I like random supernatural shit, but M. Night’s not even trying anymore.  That said, I didn’t focus on him in this “hater” review, as my guess is that Jaden locked M. Night in the post-production team’s Porta Pottie, and told the DP to just film this “bitch,” and make me look “good.”

And that is AFTER EARTH.  In theory, my review could be wrong, given I did not see the movie.  But I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong.  Actually, I am completely sure I’m not wrong.  AFTER EARTH is horrible.  My alternate movie recommendation … MEN IN BLACK.

Rock on, Will Smith.  You are a talent.  Not sure about the rest of the clan …

Will realizes he’s gonna be supporting this kid for a long time.

The Return Of Ramblings!

Sorry about the silence.  I was summoned to save U.S. television, and I think I did it.  That said, I won’t tell you what show I made more awesome.  The only hint being … your wife probably watches it.  And it’s on Lifetime.  And it involves a dead model living inside the body of a lawyer.  And you don’t know what I’m talking about …

Now, to the point.  Great things are coming on Ramblings in the next few weeks, and here are the previews!  Assuming anyone still cares. I know that Howard Feldman cares.  He’s my cousin’s friend, and is very supportive.  Now for a PREVIEW of the articles that you can expect to love in the next few weeks!

Game of Thrones Mid-Season Report Card:  Who knew Jon Snow could eat “P” like a champ?

I am in so much trouble when I get back to Downton Abbey!

Deadliest Catch.  At what point don’t’ we give a shit about how much crab they catch?  Never.

Next week we … catch more crab!

Bravo Real Housewives of El Paso/Suarez.  Prostitution Cartel Whore.

Real Housewife of Suarez, Cece, has a border issue.

Ramblings’ Politics:  Elections mean nothing.  We live in an alien dictatorship. I’m serious. The TimeLords are returning (see Dr. Who preview).

Gallifrey Rises Again! And I used to be James Bond. But now I’m an extra on .. .Dr. Who.

Ramblings’ Not at the Movies:  Hangover III Total Shit.

Ken Jeong is so funny. Though I’ve never seen it. But obviously, Judd Apatow and his crew think so. So … Kim Jeong is funny.

Dr. Who Greatest Show Ever. Better than universal peace.  And Timelords returning.

Inside this Police Box is … awesomeness.

 Rex Ryan eats himself.

The “B” should be removed from “beat.”

RAMBLINGS’ BREAKING NEWS: Bigfoot Finders, Inc. To Air Two-Hour Special Where They Don’t Find Bigfoot!

Bigfoot Finders, Inc. is 100% sure this is a Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, or possibly an Orange County Yeti.

Bigfoot Finders, Inc. founder, Wyeth Crestlow, announced that in the next episode of Channel 67’s breakout hit, Where the Fuck is Bigfoot?, viewers will be treated to a special two-hour episode which ends with no sighting of Bigfoot.  This is a major change in format from all of the other episodes of the show, which end after one hour – without anything even close to a Bigfoot sighting.

Speaking in hushed whispers from the teacher’s lounge at Womack Elementary School, Creslow declared that “What I feel distinguishes this super special, two-hour episode of Where the Fuck is Bigfoot? from all of the other 154 one-hour  episodes where we also found no evidence of a 800 pound, ten foot tall primate – that survives undetected in our grossly overpopulated country, and we now know is immortal given that no bones have ever been found – is the great cliffhanger ending.  Did we find Bigfoot?  Fuck no.  But we’re getting close!”

This tree could only have been broken by a Sasquatch.

Ramblings Not At The Oscars!

Hollywood’s most pretentious night!

Nope, even though I live a mile away … for some reason lost to me and involving a ridiculous legal document called a Restraining Order, I will not attend this year.   But I can still share my immense knowledge and wisdom to make some predictions which I guarantee will come true.  So let’s get this bitch rollin.

Seth MacFarlane’s holding his two academy awards for … TED and … the Roast of William Shatner. Really, he should win for both.

First, the HOST.  Seth MacFarlane.  Funny, sarcastic, a perpetual self-satisfied smirk on his face — he will be really really funny, and really really hated by the Monday Morning pundits as they “grade” the host.  One reason for this is that everybody over the age of 45 will have no idea who he is — while everyone under the age of 45 will be confused as to how the Family Guy guy got the gig.  But not as confused as the Anne Hathaway and James Franco dynamic duo.  Poor Anne.  Franco set her up.  Because that’s what stoner’s do.

BEST ACTOR.

This Tiger should win for playing a Tiger … that eats a kid named Pi. On a boat.

Lincoln.  Daniel Day Lewis takes out his putter and knocks the ball in … the distance of the putt being two inches.  Although there is a chance that Denzel — staying in character from Flight — gets so drunk that he knocks Lewis to the ground, grabbing the Oscar, and drops his pants, soiling the coveted award.  I wouldn’t mind seeing the Pi kid win, since I heard his screaming as the Tiger eats his liver was loud and really realistic.

BEST ACTRESS.

Nobody outside of Middle Earth shoots a bow better than Katniss … which is why she wins!

Katniss Everdeen.  The scene where she climbs the tree and shoots arrows at Woody Harrelson had me glued to my chair.  And the scene where she’s in another tree shooting arrows.  Or the scene where she’s running, shooting arrows, like a female Legolas, but with more testosterone … Jen Lawrence earned this one, big time.  Upset pick.  The little kid from the New Orleans movie.  Her speech consisting of thanking her CAA team, her publicity team, her management team, her puppy, CHOMPY, oh, and her legal team …

BEST WRITER.

Morvon Schmerkin. WInner of 10 Academy Awards for writing. And nobody cared. Not even Morvon.

Nobody cares.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS.

I play a whore that cuts her hair and sings. Give me that award!

“I dreamed a dream … I’m French and starving … and a whore … la la la.”  Anne Hathaway nailed that song, which is why she nails a guy named Oscar tonight.  Good job Annie … Tiny chance that Sally Field steals it, basically because she was amazing in NORMA RAY, but hopefully we don’t see that.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR.

Look, I don’t only play Nazis in Tarantino movies!

Christopher Waltz.  At least based on merit, skill and a brilliant character.  The reality is that who wins the award need not meet any of those criteria, which is why Deniro could win … for playing … Robert Deniro in Silver Lining Playbook — also called, my crazy son is really nuts and annoying.

BEST DIRECTOR.

I wasn’t even nominated for the groundbreaking JAWS … but I own this one, bitches! Because I’m old and f-ing rich!

Let’s see.  Oh yeah, Tarantino for Dhango.  But wait, he wasn’t nominated?  Odd.  So … ah, Affleck.  What’s that you say?  He’s not nominated either?  Hmmm.  Okay, the movie where the stupid guy from Parks and Recreation shoots Bin Laden.  Bigelow’s not in the theater either?  Which makes this award total crap.  Spielberg obviously opened some very good bottles of wine in a lot of Hollywood Rest Homes when the Oscar Nominations were being voted on … which is why he wins for the rather boring biopic that is Lincoln.  But how amazing would it be if the old French guy — who directed the old French movie that nobody saw, not even in France,  because it’s about really old people — won?  Spielberg may actually stand up and shout at the President of the Academy, “This is bullshit!  I paid for this Henry! You’re a dead man!  A fucking dead man!  Your kids too!”  While the French Director, whose name nobody cares about, babbles in French like he’s the Emperor of the Universe, the orchestra music trying to drown the pretentious asshole out.  Might happen.  But doubtful.

BEST PICTURE.

Yes, we all picture him chasing Freshmen boys with a paddle … but beneath the jock is a talented Director. That likes to chase Matt Damon with a paddle.

Argo will win, because everyone is perpetually amazed that Ben Affleck’s not the dumb fratboy that we want him to be.  And Argo is good.  I can live with it winning.  But I’m not happy.  Because …Dhango Unchained’s the best movie of the year.  Period.  Once again, Tarantino goes for it, giving us an amazing, edgy, and brutally hilarious movie that shocks and entertains.  Unfortunately, the ancient academy voters won’t have the balls to vote for this masterpiece, or will vote for Life of Pi, because of the awesome scene where the Tiger eats the kid … about five minutes into the movie.  Blood and guts everywhere, as the kid yells “Holy shit, there’s a Tiger on this boat!”  Yes, that’s what actually happens.  I dare you to watch Life of Pi and prove me wrong!  I dare you!  Knowing you won’t.

Ramblings Not At The Movies: STAND UP GUYS.

Ray Lewis celebrating his boring 28-6 victory, and 17th straight year not in prison thanks to a lost suit.

The logical post today was to rant about the SUPERBOWL, but it was so boring.  I mean, when I passed out drunk just as the third quarter was starting, the score was 28-6, and one of those obnoxious Harbaugh parents had just pulled the power in the Superdome to even things out for little Jimmy.  And one thing we know about New Orleans … once the lights go out, the party starts.  Game over.

My third to last memory before the half-time Schnapps contest I almost won.

So, now to more important things.  The movie that I know none of you saw, and I most certainly did not, as I’m still under a 100 years old — at least based on age — STAND UP GUYS.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not against seeing movies with old people.  I love movies with old people. COCOON, STAR TREK 3: SEARCH FOR SPOCK, SEX AND THE CITY 2 – saw and loved all of them!   I could watch a Walter Matthau movie any day, any time of the week.  And as we all know, Walter Matthau was old in every one of his movies … even the ones back in the 1950s when he supposedly was really young … as in 57 years old.

I recommend seeing this movie about a bunch of old whores that start the Arab Spring.

My problem with seeing STAND UP GUYS is … you can just tell by the trailer that it really sucks.  And this is why.

First.  It seems that Pacino is this old crook, I think, that gets out of jail, or prison, and is picked up by old buddy, fellow bad guy and co-scenery chewer Christopher Walken.  Only another old guy, I think some British codger not on DOWNTON ABBEY,, tells Walken to kill Pacino, presumably for over-acting in his last 11 movies, but Walken decides to spend one last big day with the multi-Oscar/facelift recipient, so they can keep telling the audience over and over again what a good time they are having.  At least that’s what I keep seeing in the trailer.  Though not the actual movie … which I have no plans of ever viewing.

I think they call that a computer. Shoot it.  We’re having such a great day.

So, what does this tell me?  First, were I to waste my money and time watching STAND UP GUYS, I guess I’d be forced to endure them spending an “amazing” day together …  while worrying about when Walken’s gonna put a bullet into one of Pacino’s fake cheekbones.   But I’m pretty sure their day’s not that amazing.  Or fun.  Or anyone really gives a shit about any of their crap.  This is why.

The comedy appears to be entirely based on old jokes/references, and false forced camaraderie.  The scene where they are in a car with Alan Arkin, and one of them doesn’t know how to start it, cause you have to “hit the button” says it all.  I don’t know much, but I do know that old people fucking know how to start cars.  They don’t understand DVR’s, or the interweave … but they certainly get Cadillac ignition systems.  And driving buzzed … though they don’t fully get brakes.  Terrible scene.  Terrible movie.  I think.

Alan Arkin dying after winning a SAG award for not knowing how to turn on his phone.

Then there’s the “bro-mance” that they’re pushing.  The commercials I saw promoting this  — commercials being the only way you market movies to 90 year olds — compared it to THE BUCKET LIST.  While I never saw The Bucket List, as I’m saving it for my actual bucket list five years from now when the gout finally takes me, I’m fairly confident that Stand Up Guys wouldn’t be a movie that Nicholson and Freeman would put on the list.  That’s because it seems so … fake.  That’s the only word for it.  As fake as Pacino’s eyebrows.

For example, there’s another scene in the trailer — I studied the trailer by the way — where Pacino tells Walken that they’re having a “better” time now than when they were young.   Young being in the 1970s.  Really?  You don’t know how to turn on a car, and your creepy best friend is about to shoot you — but everything is still more fun than when you were doing Coke and three way-ing with Cheryl Tiegs and Mick Jagger in the basement of Studio 54?  I don’t buy it, and neither would you.  Were you moronic enough to buy a ticket.

Plotwise, it seems pretty obvious.  Walken has a dilemma about killing Pacino.  Finally he decides to off the obnoxious loudmouth, but my guess is Pacino gets him first.  Because that’s in Pacino’s contract.  Nobody gets to take him out, even when he so deserves it.  Just watch HEAT.  Deniro should have won that battle … yet annoying, camera mugging Pacino puts a bullet in Deniro’s blessed head.  Annoying.  Only word for it … and Pacino.  Oh yeah, fake too.

This is how you act in a motion picture!

And so is STAND UP GUYS.  Not because it’s about old people. But because it sucks.  At least I think it does, but then again … I didn’t see it.  And I’m kinda old.

Thursday Thoughts. 2013.

ZZZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry that Ramblings has not been too active in 2013 … but the New Year hasn’t been that active either.  As in … a lot of nonsense going on. Non-stories, recycled stories, or just plain dumb-ass stories.  Let’s take a look.

We had an inauguration!  Granted it was a second term inauguration which isn’t as big a deal but … still should have been a fun event.   Only, the giant story out of it is Beyoncé lip synching.  Wolf Blitzer reporting this outrage with his typical deadpan, soul-less delivery, trying to convince us that we should be interested/concerned/upset/ecstatic over such mundane crap.  Who gives a shit if she did her own singing?  We’re a sneeze away from a Depression, and the Middle East is invading Africa.  Not to mention that China is going green.  Crazy, right?  Wrong.  Beyoncé deciding to rest her beautiful pipes in the cold is far more important … at least according to 2013.

Beyoncé not singing whatever songs it is that she doesn’t actually sing.

We had a BCS National Championship game … and I honestly don’t know who won, because the only thing being reported is that some dude, Manti Te’o, on Notre Dame, who wasn’t the QB, had a fake Samoan girlfriend, who supposedly was dying, but didn’t die, but didn’t actually exist, because it was all a prank about cancer done up by another Samoan guy, King Tiki Tiki … blah blah blah.  This story belongs on News of the Weird, or on Hawaiian local access.  Stop reporting it!  Once again, the moron wasn’t even the QB, so who cares!  And his team lost.  I really did know who won, by the way.  That said, Te’o Dumbo would make a nice addition to the Jets defense.  Rex Ryan loves morons.  They speak his language.

Where does my girlfriend live? Ah … Canada?

What else has 2013 brought us?  Let’s see … 49ers  in Superbowl playing … Ravens?   Ravens are old.  Moses old!  Unless Ray Lewis shows up wearing his murder suit, I think it’ll be a one sided, 49ers affair.

I think that’s about it.  No, wait.  Lance Armstrong confesses … about something he did years ago, that we all know he did, even when he claimed he didn’t do it.  What a jerk.  Stop putting the guy on the screen.  Unless he does something awful, and new.  But that ain’t happening in 2013.

Either I’m breaking out from all the lying, or the steroids are expanding my neck. And who cares.

Oscars is a story.  Some big  Best Director snubs.  Tarantino, Bigelow, Ben Affleck.  I was very worked up about the inexcusable omissions when I first heard … then I remembered that all of the Directors are pampered, narcissistic millionaires.  Boo hoo you big babies.  Next story.

Ben Affleck coping with horrible news of his Oscar snub.

But there really isn’t an interesting tale in 2013.

Hold it.  Got one.  Gerard Depardieu becomes Russian citizen to avoid French taxes.  So obese actor, who hasn’t had a hit since Greencard — I don’t count Frenchie films — wants to leave socialist country for … socialist country?  Okay, that’s a pretty hilarious tale … that belongs on page 14 of a local rag.  Let’s keep moving.

Ever see gout on a nose?

Come on 2013!   Gimme something to work with … a sex scandal at least.

Or a big celebrity affair!  But so far … no.  Though the pool boy has been coming on Tuesdays …  and I don’t own a pool.  Where’s my wife?!