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10 Replacements for JETS Fireman Ed.

That’s right.  The unspeakable has happened.  Long time Jets fanatic Fireman Ed Ansalone has hung up his green helmet, and handed over the difficult job of slowly spelling out “JETS” for 60,000 screaming plumbers to some yet to be determined lowlife.  The reason … he says Jets fans are assholes. As a Jets fan, I say, fuck you Fireman Ed.  How dare you call me and my fellow Jets fans assholes you … asshole.  Wow, that felt good.

But it still leaves a hole to be filled.  A hole in the rear of the Jets organization, that must be plugged.  And here are some humble suggestions as to new possible ass-plugs:


It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s an out of work plumber with a cane!

No joke here.  This man actually exists, and is the slow stepchild of Fireman Ed.   The problem with him is that I really don’t think he can spell Jets.  I’m not kidding.  Just look at the guy.  Which means we have to keep looking.


The only thing Rex likes more than getting a damn snack … is getting those feet.

Who better than to get things going at the stadium than the Coach’s MILF wife.   Is she sexy or what?  And she loves to play with the feet, if you know what  I mean.  The only problem is that Michelle rocking the stands may be too much of a distraction for her now surgically svelte hubby … which could result in the Jets actually getting worse.


Teresa showing off her new Gang Green dress, while channeling the Devil.

Every NFL stadium needs one.  And who better than a BRAVO reality show superstar.  Of course, Teresa is likely to get involved in one, two, or hundreds of brawls in the stands, so security better be beefed up.


Nobody wants Mark Sanchez back more than Pancho Romney.

WIth the end of the Sanchez era, most of the jokers at the stadium in sombreros will change their outfits.  Except Mitt Romney.  Who never met a sombrero he didn’t wear. Which makes him the perfect man to pick up Fireman Ed’s hose.


If anybody can mis-spell “JETS” during the chant … it’s this guy.

Everyone’s favorite jerk, Mark Gastineau can return to the spotlight without having to assault anyone, and lead the green faithful in chants of G-A-S-T-I-N …

Actually, this won’t work.  Next.


People in Belmar — get the fuck off the beach and show up to watch Miami beat the Jets.

Yes!  Now this is the man we need!  Only problem is he’ll get really sick of the Jets in like 3 seconds and leave.  Where will he go?  To the Jersey shore to beat the shit out of all the jokers that didn’t get off the beach.


Bill Belichick, your time has come.  Cause the Revenge chick is gonna take you down.  And your little dog Brady too.  Plus here is she can spell “JETS” with her expressive eyebrows.  Yeow!


Just picture this in the visiting team’s locker-room.

He fits all the criteria of a Jets super fan.  Though I heard he’s difficult to make a deal with.


Brady drops back and … is hit by a web by Mothra. Who then picks him up and flies him to Monster Island. To star in the “throw some Mass-hole in the volcano” festival.

Little known fact.  Mothra has a beachhouse in Redbank, New Jersey.  And is a JETS fan.  This could work, as Mothra’s hurricane power could slow down the Patriots air game.  Plus, the giant glowing egg he lays on the 40 yard line is sure to confuse opposing defenses.


Tebow sporting his new immortal look.

There is Touchdown Jesus, and Hollywood Jesus … why not Tebow Jesus?  And why not give him a seat mid-field, where he can use his divine power to rock the house in JETS chants.  Or smite opposing players with laser beams from his eyes.  Or turn all of the Bud Light in the stadium into Heineken.  Cause Heineken is so much better.  And the Jets are never gonna let this guy play … so let’s at least get our money’s worth out of our resident deity.

About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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