What am I festering about ? This annoying F-ing year. Fires, floods and North Korean nukes. And that’s without discussing politics, which I never engage in sober. And yes, I know it’s not Friday, which also makes me fester. So, here’s a list of things that really made me fester this past year.
The 1970-2017 Jets. Forty-seven years of misery. But I know it’s all gonna change in 2018. Because we’re gonna get the first draft pick! Stupid Jets.
Puppy Dog Pals. For those of you who don’t have kids, this is a badly written piece of trash on Disney Jr. Or Nick Jr. The writers’ room must be filled with post-rehab Phish fans. Typical plotline involves two lispy puppies wrecking the house, and then waiting for bow-tie wearing “Bob” to come home from Weho. I can’t wait for the Kill Shelter episode. And no, I don’t hate kid shows. I f-ing love Bubble Guppies.
Millie Bobby Brown. I’m over her. She’s like a British version of the Fanning girls, minus the warmth. That’s a joke, for those not familiar with the Fannings. And what’s with M Bobby Brown’s name? Who the hell is such a Bobby Brown fan in England that they name their kid after him? #pretentious
The fact that looking like Kevin Spacey in no longer cool. Yes, I look like Kevin Spacey, and before his exploits became public, it opened a Mens Room door or two. Now? Strangers throw rocks at me in the street! Not that I haven’t been rocked before, but this time I’m innocent! Of Kevin’s crap at least.
The Moon. Another year of a stupid, lifeless mass of cheese orbiting overhead. Stop looking at me Moon!
Al Franken stealing my thunder. I seriously thought I had the tushie-squeeze photo-op market cornered. Maybe that’s why people have always thrown rocks at me.
Bill Potts. Worst Dr. Who Companion since Clara. She makes more faces than Jim Carrey. The Cyber-Man procedure did not come soon enough. Spoiler! And psyched for the female Doctor!
The loss of Tom Petty. Oh Rock and Roll Grimm Reaper, couldn’t you have taken Sir. Elton instead?
Finding Bigfoot’s failure to find Bigfoot. Maybe 2018. So disappointed.
The Pats winning. Brady, just get old and go away!
Happy New Year! Brady eats dong.