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These movies pissed me off!

This week I focus on two movies that really bummed me out.  THE ROAD, and BIG.  Very different movies, but both share the same theme.  Children are treated horribly.  And that bums me out.  And I hope it bums you out too!


Viggo being an awesome Dad, protecting Dutch son in gray world.

Based on the post-Apocalyptic book, Viggo (Aragon) Mortensen and his son travel south pursued by cannibals, and homeless Omar from The Wire.  Didn’t see the whole movie, but I did catch the last hour post-dinner party in our back room, so disclaimer, I was a bit buzzed.  That said, I can’t believe what I witnessed.  Viggo’s like this great end-of-the-world Dad, with this cute little Dutch kid in a woolen hat, and Viggo’s like “we’re gonna find safety Dutch son!”  And the Dutch kid is like “I know we will Papa, cause I love you and you’re like fucking Aragon!”  And I’m like crying on the couch, like a two year old, cause it’s so touching.  And I know Aragon is gonna save the Dutch kid in the hat.

Viggo telling Dutch son that he’s totally rocking his hat, and Viggo’ll never leave him.   A lie thanks to writers.

So, I walk away from the movie for like one minute to go grab an open bottle of wine I got stashed behind the couch downstairs, and when I come back to the movie, you know what I’m looking at?  Do you?  Dead fucking Viggo Mortensen!!!  I’m not kidding.   And the Dutch kids sobbing, and saying sad stuff like “Don’t leave me Papa!”   Viggo’s really dead.  And I’m now hysterical!

What the fuck writer of The Road?  You don’t kill Aragon!  He survived Sauron!  Fucking Sauron the dark lord.  But not The Road.  It’s not even like he’s murdered.  Aragon just coughs a lot, and dies of some disease.  Hello … Pennicllin!

And you don’t ditch the cute little Dutch kid alone in this horrible, bleached out movie, with nothing but his wool hat!

This is who the Dutch kid ends up with! Look at those teeth!

Sure in the final scene they have Guy Pearce, missing a ton of teeth, show up and tell the Dutch kid he can join his white trash family but … too little, too late, producers.  Woke up the next morning half-naked in front of the t.v., still upset … though the last bottle of Sangiovese might be the culprit there.


Josh Baskin having fun in a toy store — shortly before being molested.

Tom Hanks classic … or is it?  This one’s not so much a bummer ending, as a disturbing ending.  Little kid turns into Tom Hanks, and fun ensues.  Until little 12 year old kid, looking like Tom Hanks, BUT REALLY A LITTE KID, meets 30-something Elizabeth Perkins.  And she really digs Tom Hanks, and she’s totally gonna do him.  But in her defense, she doesn’t know he’s really a little kid.  But we do!

Which is when this movie really hits a low.  The “famous” scene where she’s gonna have sex with Hanks, and Hanks doesn’t get it, thinking it’s a sleepover party, and bouncing on the bunk beds is cute … until THEY ACTUALLY HAVE SEX!

Meaning, the message of the movie is … underage sex is okay, if you’re kid looks like an adult.  Which is so wrong!  Yet the movie is unapologetic about it.

And do they in any way try to justify, or even pay it off?  No!  Tom Hanks turns back into the little kid!  He ends the movie as a little kid, who has had LOTS OF SEX with a woman close to 40!  They even have a scene where Elizabeth Perkins sees him turn into the little kid … and what does she do?  Start screaming?  Nope.  Rip her own eyes out, like Oedipus did, after finding out he had sex with his Mother?  No.  Her reaction is to smile sadly.  That’s it.  She literally committed statutory rape.  And that’s all Penny Marshall is gonna give us in that scene.

Just sad resignation.

Come to me, little boy!

How bout outraged indignation!

Ironically, the movie poster reads “BIG.  Have you ever had a really big secret?”  I shit you not.  It says that.  I’d say there’s a really big secret in this movie.  Child abuse!

Get this man-child a counsellor!

Shame on you Penny Marshall.  Boo!

About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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