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Kids hate bummer endings and so should you.

That’s right.  I like movies with happy endings.  And before you make a bad Thai massage joke, no, I don’t like happy endings to my massages.  I like my massages traditional, with harp music, at a reputable place.  Swedish, and no funny business.  Medium pressure.  I’m very tense, and the last thing I need is some broad other than my wife grabbing for my junk while I’m trying to decompress.  And even if I were so inclined, there’s actually a place for that.   It’s called a whorehouse.  If I went to a whorehouse, I wouldn’t want a massage.  So why do I want a whore at a massage parlor?  I don’t.  It’s just common sense.

But moving on to this week’s RAMBLING.  Many a great movie has been ruined by a bummer ending, and here is my list of bummer endings that spoiled otherwise wonderful movies … and really make me fester!

LEAVING LAS VEGAS.  To be honest, I never saw the end of this movie.  I kinda play a drinking game every time I watch, where I drink every time Cage drinks … That said, I’m pretty sure I know what happens at the end, and it bums me out.  Clearly he ends up in rehab, and becomes a milk toast, boring shell of his former self.  A plain shame.

Nick Cage having really good time in Las Vegas — and clearly not needing rehab.

THE WRESTLER.  Mickey Rourke really doesn’t get to go for the title against the Hulkster?  Come on!  When’s the trash talk gonna start?  Very disappointed that they obviously cut the intended ending where he wins the WWE Title.  And he dies?  Guy was a wreck anyway.  Who cares.

SOPHIE’S CHOICE.  This one’s obvious.  She chose the wrong kid.  I lose sleep over it.

SWINGERS.  The whole movie Vince (Trent) supports boorish Favreau (Mike), who is so NOT money, only to be the victim of one of the worst ambush movie scenes in the history of cinema. After spending the whole movie propping up whiney Favreau, Vince thinks a hot woman at a diner is waving to him, and he waves back mouthing dirty lines, and starts playing peek a boo with her with his napkin — but she’s playing peek a boo with her baby — cheaply hidden by Director Favreau — not Vince – making Vince look like a complete loser, who is mocked by the horrible Mike … played again by Favreau.  Naming actors and characters is starting to confuse me but …. fuck you Favreau Mike.  You’re a terrible friend, a good director, but you ruined the end of this solid movie.

ET.  Loved the whole cute alien getting drunk with Drew Barrymore thing.  Only, the treason part still bothers me.  Do you realize what our government could have done with ET’s technology?  Or his powers?  HE could cure cancer!  But did our best scientists get to take him apart?  No!   Cause the kids dressed him as a girl, and violated 100 Federal laws by sneaking him away on that flying bike.  And where was NORAD when that spaceship landed?  Couldn’t we down that rejected prop from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS?  ET escaping pissed me off.

BAD NEWS BEARS.  The brilliant original starring Walter Matthau as Coach Morris Buttermaker.  Movie gets into fun gear right away, cruising along, hitting every mark of being awesome.  Kids cursing, making martinis for Buttermaker … even has great baseball scenes.   And then we have the final game, against Vic Morrow’s evil Yankees, every kid about a foot taller than the under-dog Bears.  So we’re set for the Bears to win … and they LOSE!  I know Matthau makes them lose by playing the little benchwarmer kids, but real life sucks, which is why we have movies.  Movies with happy endings!  Spielberg always goes back and changes his movies (for the worst) – why can’t Paramount give us a new ending … where Lupus blasts a home run right out of the park!

RETURN OF THE JEDI.  This one’s a two foot putt.  Ewoks defeat the Emperor’s most elite legion.  Ewoks, the stuffed predecessors of Lucas’s most detestable character, Jar Jar Binks.  I remember as a young one snarling in disgust as a little person in a costume threw a rock at an armored Storm Trooper, and the highly trained soldier comically windmilled his arms as he fell backwards.  The series jumped the shark with the Ewoks, which made the ending contrived, and was the start of the end of Lucas’s genius.

HEAT.  Michael Mann’s masterpiece, pitting super-crook Robert Deniro against supercop, Al Pacino.  Could this movie have more Tortellini infused testosterone and tension?  No!  But the problem is, Deniro is an awesome character, while Pacino is a buzz kill.  I’m not kidding about this.  Watch the movie again, and tell me which character you want to win?  Deniro!  He’s gonna retire Al … just let him go.  But no, they have a contrived showdown, which Deniro wins ten times … but thanks to movie manipulation, Pacino shoots him.  In the back I think.  Boo!

And finally, the movie finale that hurts me to the core …  TITANIC!  How do you kill young Leo?!!!  How?!!!  He was so cool, and charming, and skinny.  And he was so full of life … from the moment he won his Titanic tickets gambling in the slums of London, to sneaking out of steerage (though he did ditch Fabricio), to banging Kathy Bates so she’d give him a tuxedo, and then one-upping Billy Zane.  And he was an artist.  The next Picasso!  But did that matter to Kate Winslet, floating on her giant plank?  Did she move her large hips over for poor Leo?  No!  Still hurts.  She could have moved over!

MIT’s analysis of how Kate could have moved over to save Leo!
About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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  1. I’m not a scientist, measuring buoyancy in the North Atlantic and the density of wood doors made in turn of the century Ireland; but, I think the plank would’ve capsized with the extra weight (even if Leo tops out at 110 pounds soaking wet, literally). In any case: Kate — No. 1 on my laminated list — is saved!

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