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Fester Friday: Gnomes.

Enough said. They are not Dwarves.  They are not Elves.  They are not Smurfs.  They are not Hobbits or Goblins.  They service no plot elements in Harry Potter, other than to fuck around in the Weasley’s garden.  They are not in Lord of The Rings.  You will not find them in any future episode of Game of Thrones.

They were a character race in AD&D, but I never met anyone that played them as a character. I do not believe they are in World of Warcraft, but that technology is way beyond me.

Apparently Gnomes hang out in gardens, yet they do not seem to protect the plants from disease, blight, or birds.  Nor do they garden.

They wear clothes, hats, yet seem to have no discernible intelligence, culture, or structured society.  They do not play music, or have weaponry.

They do not seem to have any political views, nor anything interesting to contribute at a dinner party.

They are not in Kung Fu movies.

They have never defended Japan from Godzilla.

So what the hell are these fuckups from the Fairy world?

I have the answer.

Rats.  They basically are rats.  Homeless rats.  In clothes.  That panhandle in gardens.  They are most likely diseased.

Though some of them do seem to be Jets fans, which suggests some higher purpose.  Hmmm…..

And judging by the Wizard’s hat, they possess some sort of limited magical powers.  Or maybe great powers.  Wait a second … a fucking magical Jets gnome?

Shit.  I take everything back!  Forget everything I just said.  I’m a moron.

Arch-Mage Jets Gnome, I drop to my knees in humility, begging your help!  Your race is mighty and wise.  Use your powerful gnome magic to blast the New England Patriots with hundreds of fireballs.  Turn Belichick into a giant pool of slime, and Disintegrate Tom Brady’s beautiful hair!  And put a Wall of Force on the goal line so whatever no-name asshole they’re playing at running back can’t score a touchdown.

Summon a Battle Daemon from the Abyss to rend the Miami Dolphins apart, and use your spectral powers to Obliterate the Buffalo Bills — actually leave the Bills alone.  They have enough problems.

And put an Enchantment on Sanchez so that he never throws an interception, or sees Rex Ryan naked.  And … let’s just cut to the chase, you six-inch fireball blasting rock star …

Give the Jets a fucking Superbowl!!!

And I apologize for this ridiculous post.  Have a great weekend.

About Marty 85 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
Contact: Website

2 Comments on Fester Friday: Gnomes.

  1. Awesome post — I hoped the Jets Gnome would be incorporated at some point, but did not expect it so quickly. Its powers are clearly the key to the Jets season.

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