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That’s right Henry VIII, you selfish, fat fuck.  I’m talking about you.   I got your number, tubby.

You’re soooooo religious … as you kill all your wives, steal church land, and put poor Jonathan Rhys Myers in rehab.  He’s Irish damnit!  Did you really think he could portray your horrible existence without falling into the bottle!  Worse, you’ve reduced him to being on an NBC show, you bloated bigamist.

And it’s about Dracula.  Dracula.  Not Twilight.  Not Vampire Diaries, or True Blood but … Dracula.  Really?  Dracula?  Can’t wait.  Original.  The kid’ll be dead by December.

It’s on you, Henry the Pig!

Not that you care, you fat fuck.  What did you ever accomplish in your so called reign, apart from watching your disgusting waist expand faster than Greek debt.

Let’s run through some highlights.

Oh, you threw the Catholics out of their homes.  Confiscated monasteries, church land, and redistributed it to your Protestant lackeys.  So you basically created … rich, white Anglo-Saxon Protestants.  Who does that sound like?  WASPS?

For all of us non-Wasps … things have just been peachy under their rule.  I guess you did indirectly contribute to the evolution of Civil Rights … by creating the very people that have violently denied them to the rest of mankind!

You were such a dick.  It’s unbelievable.  How did you live with yourself?  I guess they didn’t have mirrors back in your lame ass, we’re so stupid we don’t have electricity, era.

And what about those poor women that had to sleep with you.  Ughhh!  Those tortured (literally) souls must have been ecstatic by the time their heads were taken off.  Finally, freed from sleeping next to a sweaty, overstretched bag of Mutton and Mead.  I bet you snored like a hacksaw!

But at least you expanded England’s empire … not!  You lost France, pissed off the Spanish during the two seconds they mattered and just terrorized your own people.  Nobody loses wars to France, you fucking loser!  Even Italy beat them back then, and Italy wasn’t even a full country.  You were so bad at foreign policy, back when it was really easy!

Such a prick.  My guess is you took shits everywhere, didn’t you Henry?  “The King will squat and shit here … Squire, you will be my chair”.  So foul.  They must have aired those castles out for decades.  You pooping fuck!

I really have to calm down.  Heart’s racing.  But this guy just gets my gander.  Let’s just end this …

No, wait.  I just remembered a Henry classic. You killed … a Saint!  Nice.  Saint Thomas More, one of the most virtuous, pious, and peaceful men in history.  Good for you, Henry.  I’m sure his pacifist butt put up a fight as your bloated Beefeater guards dragged him to his death … Saint Thomas More.  A Saint.  They made a movie about More, and the actor playing the Saint won the Academy Award.  Because he played a Saint.  Whom you killed, because the Saint wouldn’t sign a document saying that you weren’t a fat, selfish fuck.  I’m sure God got a giggle out of that, you blasphemous Behemoth!

Now I really gotta rap this up, cause I’m truly rambling … .

So, in closing Henry the Horrible, on behalf of me, and all of your lovely wives, and abused kids, and all the nobles, peasants and hunting dogs you bullied during the shitstorm that was your rule … I think you did a very poor job as King.  Very.

Jonathan Rhys Myers takes up smoking … thanks to dickweed Henry VIII.
About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
Contact: Website

4 Comments on FESTER FRIDAY: HENRY VIII, Royal Dickhead.

  1. I find myself in the awkwardly uncommon place of defending the protestant against a catholic rant against a true douche bag. Are you telling me that the vitriolic expose’ of one of the world’s most noted fuckwards carries Anglocian sins far greater than the inquisition or Crusades? Sufficient to say the guy was a cunt hair to the right of Satin and Vlad the Impaler would have been all “Damn Brotha, you needs to be getting some little boys up in that tub of yours to butter you tootsie roll… dig?” but that being said, they were pretty much all fucktards. And to your point, he did in fact shit where ever he wanted. he had a flip top thrown so he could crap without having to move from his gluttony.
    In conclusion.
    Henry = Cocksteak
    Catholic Church– just as evil.
    Jews… Brilliant.

  2. agreed….on all but the WASP thing. he was a douche…and i wish he were here today to hear that everyone thinks he is a piece of absolute shit rather than the divine voice of God on earth.

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