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FESTER FRIDAY: Jon Snow is Dead – Get over it!!!

This is the best result for this over-rated character.

SPOILER ALERT! IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS YOU ARE NOT A GAME OF THRONES FAN. That’s right. At this point, there is no excuse not to know this, other than, you don’t really give a damn about the show. Which is fine. Sad, and a telling sign that you lack imagination and awesomeness, but totally acceptable. For those that were traveling and still haven’t caught up, tough luck. Read this and weep. I don’t care if you were in Thailand with your hipster friends, and your lumbersexual beard, looking for new recipes for your insufferable farm to table craft beer bar. Ugh. Can’t wait for that trend to end. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, poor Jon Snow. Boo hoo. How could they kill him? What were they thinking? The answer is good writing. Because Jon Stark was a terrible character, and this is why…

Terrible Leadership. Like all Starks – or a Snow in this case – Jon is a horrible leader and administrator. Does he build consensus? Hell no. He just does what he does, cause it’s right. Let’s see how that’s worked out for the rest of the Stark men. Ned Stark – decides to expose the Lannister incest – and loses his head and starts a World War. Rob Stark – decides to blow off a political marriage for love – and also is decapitated. And his pregnant wife and unborn baby are killed. And Mom has her throat cut. And his Dire Wolf is also decapitated – and has its head sewn onto Rob’s now headless corpse. What the hell did the Wolf do to deserve that? He followed Rob Stark.

The highpoint of the Ned Stark Administration.
The highpoint of the Ned Stark Administration. Arguably the smartest of the Stark men.

Bran Stark, though a kid, also showed signs of horrific judgment – starting with his favorite hobby of climbing 100 foot towers and spying on people. He got an eyeful alright. Splat. And now he’s tied to the back of a slobbering Giant with a one word vocabulary. Hodor!

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-1

Bad Hygiene. Can you imagine how bad Jon Snow must smell? There ain’t no showers up at the Wall. It’s friggin freezing. And his one outfit is a crazy bearskin/crowfeather disaster. To get an idea of how bad he reeks, imagine the worst homeless person you’ve ever caught a whiff of AND MULTIPLY that by ten old Hasidic men in wool coats during a heat wave. That’s the Jon Snow odor. No wonder they shanked him.

Cute Ghost being neglected.
Cute Ghost wondering when Jon will order him to jump off a cliff.

Jon Snow’s a bad pet owner. That’s right. You ever see him cuddle Ghost? No. Does Ghost have a wolf bed? No. A bowl? No. The Wolf pretty much is kept outside…where there are literally monsters. Even the name Ghost seems to indicate that Jon assumes the Wolf will die shortly. Which given the history of the Stark Wolves, is hardly a stretch of the imagination. In case you forgot, Ned Stark killed Sansa’s Wolf, cause it nipped his eventual murderer Joffrey, and Arya through rocks at hers till it ran off into the wasteland. Someone call Animal Services on these idiots!

Jon Snow’s a bad brother. Think about it. Since Jon went up to the Wall, a lot of very bad stuff has happened to his brothers and sisters. And Jon is aware of the events, as the “Maesters” communicate with each other with birds, and remember, Jon’s supposed best friend is Sam, who works for Grand Maester Aemon, and pretty much does nothing but eat and gossip. So it is a given that Jon found out about Rob leading an army against the Lannisters. About Sansa being held captive. About Arya missing. About Bran and Rickon, the latter kid being like 5 years old, alone and unguarded at Winterfell. Yet, try and remember an episode where Jon even considers going south to say… save his little brothers. Nah. Too busy with the Free Folk. Or what about helping Sansa.  Maybe he could sneak into the Red Keep and save her – sounds like a plan within Jon Snow’s abilities. Nah. Winter’s Coming. Free Folk. Arya? He forgot about that bitch the second he put on black. Get the picture.

This is what happens when you leave Jon to babysit.
This is what happens when you leave Jon to babysit.

He’s a bastard. Literally. A bastard. You know how some guy at work is a jerk all the time, and you say, “Bob in accounting is a bastard.” Odds are, Bob’s not literally a bastard. But Jon Snow is an actual, card carrying bastard. Now you may say that’s not a big deal in this day and age. But in the Seven Kingdoms it is a very big deal. Bastards are so annoying in the Seven Kingdoms that they are sent to the Wall. Don’t believe me, ask Saint Ned, who sent his beloved Jon there… because he’s a bastard. Other famous bastards? Hmm. How about RAMSAY SNOW! Can’t get more twisted than that bastard. Anyone want a hotdog.

The definition of a crazy bastard. But he does seem kinda fun.
The definition of a crazy bastard. But he does seem kinda fun.

Jon’s smug and judgmental.  Another Stark trait that has resulted in Winterfell being in the hands of bunch of psychopaths. Jon’s whole “thing” is that he’s on a mission, and whoever is not on board with his crazy plan, is basically an idiot and evil. And Red God forbid you try and challenge him. He’ll give you a judgy look… and then run off into the tundra to save Wildings. Or get more grease for his bad hair.

Jon judging someone - his second favorite pastime to ditching.
Jon judging someone – his third favorite pastime to ditching and ice cave sex.

Jon’s a bad friend. How many times has he left poor, plus-size Sam, alone in the Black Keep while he’s off doing some nonsense on the other side of the Wall. The answer – a lot! And now Sam has Gilly to take care of, and her baby, little Sam. But does Jon care? No! Don’t believe me? In the “penultimate” episode of this season, a badly beaten Sam (beaten while guess who was away), asks Jon if he can take Gilly and the kid to the Citadel for safety. Jon’s initial answer – NO. I am aware that after Sam begs, Jon finally agrees to let them leave, but it’s not out of friendship. It’s because Jon doesn’t really give a shit. He’s too busy starring in the Jon Snow show. Oh, and what would have happened to Sam if he had stayed, per Jon’s original wish? Pretty sure he was next on the hit list. And right now, Gilly and Little Sam would be rocking the pole.

Sam, alone as usual with his posse.
Sam, alone as usual with his posse.

Lack of education. No way Jon even graduated High School. He never can focus, a clear indication of ADD. Whenever Sam tries to get him interested in some theory about the history of the White Walkers – that could SAVE THE WORLD – Jon gives him his “I’m pretty but dumb” smile – and then runs back into the wilderness. Once again smelling like ass.

Any actor who appears in a feature with Kiefer has judgment issues.
Any actor who appears in a feature with Kiefer has judgment issues.

Kit Harrington, the actor who plays Jon Snow, like his character, makes bad choices. Let’s look at some of the movies he’s been in recently. POMPEI. Too bad the volcano didn’t erupt during the opening credits, so as to spare us a Kiefer Sutherland feature. Kiefer rocks 24, but not the big screen. Then I saw Kit was in some Jane Austin type dribble. Pass, as did the Box Office. IMDB lists Seventh Son – no idea – and How To Train Your Dragon 4. I think he’s the stoner Viking. Not impressed. But Kit did rock an appearance on Seth Myers… where he played Jon Snow at a hipster dinner party. Hilarious. Which I suggest you watch. Because at the end of the day, Jon Snow does good small talk.


About Marty 84 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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