That’s right. I’m pissed off at the election. Why? Cause the lead up has been so boring. First off, there’s only two guys running. It’s like the end of the NCAA Tournament, after 62 teams have been eliminated, and you have to watch the last two in the championship, and you really don’t care, cause you already lost your pool. And it’s always fucking Kentucky playing fucking Duke, which sucks, unless you’re from Kentucky or New Jersey (that’s where Duke students are made).
Obama v. Romney! What a match-up. Championship prize fight, right? Wrong. I feel like we’re watching the fifth Rocky movie, where Stallone doesn’t even fight in a ring — he just has a street brawl with Tommy Gunn, and effectively puts a stake in the franchise.
I mean, how dreadful has the campaign been! The debates sucked. Obama was a robot in the first one, ironic given Romney really might be an android. The second one everyone claimed was out of control — “they really got nasty” Wolf Blitzer bleated — yet I’ve heard worse trash talking on I Carly. Don’t ask how I know that. I could go on about the snooze factor of the so-called debates, but I’ve already rambled on them, so just go to the archives, and find my hilarious commentary on how badly they blew. And read The Pooping Waiter. It’s my favorite.
Where was I? Oh yeah. The banality of this election.
Why can’t we have more choices Tuesday? How cool would it be if like fifty people were running, and they all had the same chance. Or 200 people. Or 1000 people. Think about it. You’d have no idea what type of nut job was gonna be sitting on the nuclear codes in a month. Talk about your vote counting! That’s some scary shit … but it makes your heart pump. Let’s you know you’re still alive on this floating rock we’re chained to.
But no, we’re not given a choice. We’re stuck with two people every four years, one in a blue tie, one in a red tie. We can only choose a Democrat who’s gonna raise taxes, or a Republican, who’s not gonna raise taxes, but is gonna get in your pocketbook by raising something else — like cigarette prices. It all ends up being the same. Boring.
And back to the nuclear codes, cause that really is the biggest fucking thing a President does … not bring about Armageddon. And thanks to limiting our choices to two well vetted men (or equally dull women), we will never have a cowboy President who shoots off nukes! I saw an episode of LAST RESORT the other night on ABC, and the make-believe President on that show shot two nukes at Pakistan. Didn’t give a reason. Just did it. And then Andre Braugher, the gangster captain of the Last Resort sub, shot another nuke off, at Washington! Just for shits and giggles. That’s exciting stuff! If the Last Resort President was running for election, I wouldn’t sleep at night. But Romney, Obama … snoring like a champ by 11.
Romney and Obama, both so polite … can’t we see a hint of crazy? Hello President Martin Sheen in Stephen King’s The Dead Pool.
Ugh, I’m done ranting about this crap. Just go vote on Tuesday, cause your vote counts. It really does. That’s what the buttons say.
Because on Tuesday, your vote will result in this country’s nuclear arsenal being in the hands of a pleasant man in a red tie, or a pleasant man in a blue tie. ZZZZZ.
God bless America. Any way I can vote for Andre Braugher?