That’s right. I fucking hate the news, and so should you. Because it’s mostly terrible. You never put on the news and find out your life is better. The exception being if they’re reporting the death of your nemesis, but that’s obviously a very special exception.
If you don’t believe that the news sucks, let’s go through some of this morning’s treats, ripped right from the headlines of CNN.COM. That’s a web address, for my followers over 80. Going to CNN and … what?!!!
“Apple Extremely Upset Over Bad Maps.” Holy shit. That’s the headline as of 7:22 a.m. I’m not kidding. Here’s the link. http://cnnmon.ie/Qk72bV. How is that a headline? Did some moron in the jungle, relying solely on his iPhone’s map, wander and very rudely interrupt a village of Cannibals on Feast Day? Because that is very bad form … and likely to result in being eaten alive. Seriously. I saw it in a movie.
No, more likely some Mom in Michigan named Kathy — they’re all named Kathy — after dropping her chubby, buzz-cut kids off at school, went to Starbucks to check out the Manager her friend Peggy is screwing, and while waiting for her Grande, and musing whether he’d do her, mindlessly clicked on the MAPS app. on her iPhone, hoping it would GPS her important location to affirm that she actually exists … and it didn’t work! Resulting in her for one second facing a mind-numbing realization about her insignificance in the scope of all of reality … until the Manager comes out. And she can’t believe that Peggy is doing those hot buns … that bitch!
But I digress.
Let’s see what else is going on … back to CNN and … oh no! “Till Death Of Phone Contract Do Us Part.” http://bit.ly/SqIe1f. Is it me, or is every news item today about smart phones? Apple/AT&T conspiracy … need to investigate further. Anyway, the article is about how couples on joint plans face big penalties when they break up, which really sucks. Cause, what the news here is really about is the fact that your wife/husband/partner/cat secretly is getting really sick of your shit. They are, and unless you get your act together quick, you’re gonna be paying AT&T $350 in about two months. I better go buy my wife some flowers instead of writing this drivel. But that would require effort, and I doubt she’ll actually leave me … given it would fuck up our Verizon plan so …
Back to CNN. Must be something interesting … let’s go to the “Election Center” and … Bingo! “Team Romney Lowers Debate Hopes.” http://bit.ly/QvgTPG. This is a real story about Romney’s advisors saying he’s gonna get his ass kicked by Obama, but it doesn’t matter, cause “the American people will decide.” Yeah, after watching the fucking debates. Come on Romney camp! At least try. The election’s not for like weeks. Romney, dude, suck it up. At least pretend you could win. You’re a billionaire. You wear magic underwear. Buy some votes. Florida is definitely for sale. Come on, t.v. is bad enough without a one-sided election. You don’t see the St. Louis Rams every week admitting there’s no way their crappy team can win, do you? I mean, have you seen how bad the Rams are? Steven Jackson is 40 years old, and the guy throwing the ball played for a Community College.
Shit, I hate the news. So depressing.
Actually, none of these headlines really are that bad, with the exception of the map thing. There has to be some death and mayhem somewhere, and checking … got it. Plenty of murders. Middle-East in flames. Chris Brown still selling music. Japan building attack robots. NBC making dramas. Absolutely awful.
So what should we do? Remain in ignorant bliss? No way! That’s the coward’s path. We need to be informed … yet in a pleasant way. With a warm cup of joe, and friendly faces distracting you from oblivion.
Which is why I only get my fun-filtered information from … The Today Show.
And what do I learn everyday from Today? Matt Lauer in his I’m everybody’s best friend delivery tells me that the world is peachy. And I believe him, God bless.
Al Roker, no longer fat and as non-threatening as the Romney campaign, introduces some vapid Hollywood actor or actress, most likely a Gyllenhall, to promote their latest project – meaning the worst thing on the forecast is the shitty movie itself. Then, Savannah Guthrie and her slightly more hot Brazilian clone, Natalie Morales, bring in some celebrity chef to teach me how to properly stuff potatoes into a steak and get diabetes … while drinking red wine. Yum!
Don’t even start me on the third hour of Today!. Hello Kathy, Hoda, and pure, unfiltered alcoholism. Do these saucy broads watch the news? Fuck no. They pass out every night happily clueless.
And I envy them. Because the news is about cold, sober, corporation-controlled facts … which make me fester. And so should you.