Spoiler! I am writing this in advance of the season finale, and I swear to the Seven Gods and Hodor’s DJ headphones that I have zero friends at HBO and on the GOT writing staff. Meaning, apart from having seen every episode to date and read the books, I know absolutely nothing about what’s gonna go down in Westeros on Sunday. Except that I’m sorta psychic. And I think some of these predictions should be obvious, unless you’re an idiot. But since you’re reading this, you’re clearly highly intelligent. So here’s what I believe we’re all gonna see on Sunday…
Cersei is gonna burn the Mother-F’er Septon Down. Tommen telling Cersei that the Mountain can’t be her “lawyer” because the Seven Gods and Natalie Dormer’s “cat” said so, definitely means the big C’s gotta go to plan B. Murder. Actually murder is Plan A for her, but normally involves the Mountain ripping off heads. This time it’s a fiery death for the High Sparrow, turncoat Tommen and thousands of sparrows and peasants as she unleashes the Mad King’s Aerys II’s wild fire. Does Queen Margaery also go down? No, but she gets scarred. Just a little bit. Natalie Dormer must remain hot. Or she’s not Natalie Dormer.
Jon Snow is going to do nothing. Trust me, now that Winterfell is in Sansa and Little Finger’s plotting hands, Jon’s about as useful as Theon at an orgy. Meaning he will spend the episode moping. We might have a brief confrontation with Sansa re the good question of why she didn’t tell him about the Vale forces showing up, saving 1000s of lives, but overall, he’ll just brood and be sullen.
The Onion Knight is going to dice up the Red Woman. This one shouldn’t be a shocker to anyone, since he spent last episode carrying around Shireen’s wooden toy, glaring at the Red Woman’s back. Only open question is if we see her firm old lady boobs again. Growl.
Khaleesi will finally dye her eyebrows blonde to match her hair. It’s just time.
The Hound will “join” someone. By “someone,” I mean a main character, generally on the good side, i.e., stupid Starks. Or possibly Jaimie. Jaimie sounds right.
The High Septon will take a bath. Just kidding. Such an event will never happen. Though the flames should handle the stink.
Hopefully no Sam and the chick from SKINS. I know they’re a beloved, cute couple, with their cockney accents, but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t. And that sex scene…
Tyrion will ride a dragon! This one might be a stretch, but only re the when, not if. Tyrion will get a dragon. Not sure if on Sunday, but I’d wager a quarter on it.
We will learn that Jon Snow is a Targaryen! How? From one of Bran’s stupid wet dreams/flashbacks to the prequel series that HBO’s gonna announce next year. Once again, the major info of Jon’s lofty identity will not be conveyed to Jon Snow, who per above, will be stomping around Winterfell looking constipated.
The White Walkers will over-run the Wall, destroying Castle Black. The horror. Fortunately there are no characters we care about residing in Crow central.
Arya will have the final scene of the season, probably arriving in King’s Landing, just in time to see the Septon burn and give Cersei the evil eye from the crowd. Why end on Arya? Because apparently she’s the most important character on GOT. Don’t believe me. Watch every episode and count the minutes. I did. She, bad hair an all, wins! Khaleesi flying on a dragon? Not nearly as important as the fifteenth scene of Arya running away from the Waif or playing that stupid “The Girl has no panties” game with weirdo Jaqen. But his song is awesome. Jaqen… Jaqen H’gar!