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Jets Coach Rex Ryan guarantees Jets will win Sunday — and that he’ll gain back 120 pounds.

Rex Ryan remembering how awesome it was to be obese.

Newly skinny Jets Coach Rex Ryan guaranteed that the Jets would defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers this Sunday by 10 points, and also guaranteed he’s gonna gain back about 120 pounds in the next two years.

“I mean, there’s no way Pittsburgh can run against our front four, and obviously we can defend the pass.  And offense!  Man, am I excited!   That Sanchez, that’s one muchacho that’s slinging the taco like nobody’s business!  And Tebow.  Boy, he’s so exciting, with his large bulging biceps.  I mean, don’t even get me started about that specimen,” a clearly fired up Ryan gushed on his weekly radio show, his face covered in cookie dough.

“And on a personal note, I’m really looking forward to gaining some weight back!” Ryan declared, while shoving a Chicken Royale submarine sandwich into his mouth.  “Donuts, steak, Turkey grease, I’m gonna gobble down all those suckers, cause I got like a rubberband in my stomach that mean’s no way I get fat.  And if do, who gives a shit?  It’s not like me wife’s gonna leave the Rex-ster!  How cool is that?”

It’s actually not that cool.

Ryan, after drinking a 32 cup of Coke, in violation of New York City law, then bragged that he intends to fly to Thailand after the Jets win the Super Bowl, and eat an entire Water Buffalo.

“My brother told me about this restaurant in Thailand, called Quack Su or something, where they bring out a whole Water Buffalo on a big-ass platter, and if you eat the damn thing, dinner’s on them. Hello, they haven’t met the Rex-ster and his magic rubber band!” Rex declared, rubbing his slowly expanding stomach, while chewing on lard.  “It’s like that movie with John Candy, where he eats that big ass steak, the “Old 96-er” in the woods, with the dead guy and Dan Aykroyd in the restaurant.  Man, that was one heck of a movie, and I love that Dan Aykroyd.  I wish’d he’d do more movies, cause I’d go see em!   I really would.  Now let’s go eat a God damn snack!”

And Rex did.

Water Buffalo being informed by bird that Rex Ryan is going to eat him.


About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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