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Monster Mashup: Why can’t Finding Bigfoot Find Bigfoot?

I know this may seem a bit random, given I don’t believe in Bigfoot, but after watching 8 seasons of the show, I’ve finally hit my “wait until next” episode limit. Those fuckers better find Bigfoot next Wednesday, or I’m done hombre. No more DVR space for those Squatchers. I mean it. It’ll show in their ratings. They’re on Animal Planet. It will cut them.

Mermaids was a ratings giant for Animal Planet. Mermaids? Bigfoot eats Mermaids as sushi.
Mermaids was a ratings giant for Animal Planet. Mermaids? Bigfoot eats Mermaids as sushi.

I mean, even Gilligan got off Gilligan’s Island eventually. Right? Though, as I sip my $4 bottle of Rose, I think the gang was rescued AFTER the show was cancelled in a bad CBS “special”… and the cast looked really banged up – and by that I mean that half of them visibly had Diabetes. But my point is, there was some fan satisfaction. So why can’t four out of shape white people finally find everyone’s favorite mythical brute? Personally, I don’t think they try hard enough. Might be the booze, or lots of weed. Pretty sure anyone whose profession is not “finding Bigfoot” lights up on occasion. Personally I think Animal Planet should just hire a bunch of Koreans and they’ll find Bigfoot. Screw that, they’ll catch the beast, get it a green card and put it to work. Damn that’s a hard working culture. But I digress.

The Koreans would definitely "find" Bigfoot.
The Koreans would definitely “find” Bigfoot.

That said, I have to admit, there have been moments over the years where to my self-shame, I really thought those delusional nerds were gonna FIND and FILM the shifty bastard.

Like the hundreds of times that Big Foot Czar Matt Moneymaker (FYI that’s his real name and very appropriate, given he makes money chasing an imaginary monster), after hearing a branch break in the middle of the woods, declares to the camera with great authority that “there’s a Squatch in these woods.”  It’s actually in the credits. Kinda his “hey now” move. For those who have not invested over 100 hours of their short lives to this show, Squatch is short for Sasquatch, which means in native-american lingo, “magical ape that dumb white people believe in.” That said, over the scary Animal planet background tension music, I kinda heard that branch break. And I have no explanation for it, other than… Bigfoot!

mattmoneymaker

Or the time Finding Bigfoot investigated the wetlands of New Jersey,  and actually captured footage of a small, hairy, ape-like creature taking out his trash while drinking industrial wine. Wasn’t Bigfoot, but any citing of a Bravo’s Joe Giudice is worth a shoutout. For those not familiar with Mr. Giudice, I suggest you watch yourself a marathon of some Real Housewives of NJ. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re a “Prostitution Whore.”

Joe Giudice's easily as strong as a Bigfoot.
Joe Giudice’s easily as strong as a Bigfoot.

Hmmm, when else did they “almost” find Bigfoot? Oh, yeah, Hawaii. Only it turned out to be an Ohio family exiting the Wailea Sunday buffet. The hair on that woman still gives me the chills. While I know the logic of a ten-foot tall primate hiding on a few small islands seems absurd, what you’re forgetting is that in “theory” Bigfoot doesn’t exist, but what does exist are contractual per diems and dumb executives. Getting networks to pay for your vacation is awesome. Not that I’d want to see any of the Bigfoot hunters in bathing suits, especially 350 pound Bobo.

You do not want to see these two beauties in speedos. Neither does Bigfoot, which is why he ditched Hawaii.
You do not want to see these two beauties in speedos. Neither does Bigfoot, which is why he ditched Hawaii.

What other close calls were there for the Bigfoot Hunters? Plenty. Though pretty much every false sighting can be explained by American obesity and marijuana. Sad, but true. That said, I don’t think the Bigfoot team should give up. I just think they need to change their methods. And by that I mean use automatic weapons and explosives. Hear a branch crack? F just standing still and waiting to see the hulk emerge from the trees. Instead, open fire! Sip your beer, then toss a few grenades into the brush. BOOM. Now that’s Squatchin. Oh look, it’s a massive mangled hairy corpse. And wait, it’s not a reality star. Finding Bigfoot just killed fucking Bigfoot! Country goes wild. Wars end. Russia marries the Ukraine. Animal Planet buys HBO with its petty change and I am one very satisfied cable viewer. Make it happen, non-reality world.

This is how a real American deals with a make believe monster.
This is how a real American deals with a make believe monster.

About Marty 84 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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