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Game Of Thrones Charles Dance as Tywin Lannister; Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Baratheon;; Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister © HBO Enterprises
Anti-Cheaters Banner created by poverty stricken non-cheaters.

I don’t even know where to start on this one.  Cheaters never win.  Really?  They don’t? Cause … not so sure that’s the case.  In fact, the magnitude of the fucking lie that cheaters NEVER win could breach the gap between the Earth and the nearest galaxy.  It is immeasurable.

So where did this fucking ridiculously outrageous statement originate?  Where do you think?  The fucking cheaters put it out there, cause that’s what they do!  They lie, they steal, they cheat … to keep the rest of us dumb-asses in line.  And it works!

But enough of my Ramblings.  Let’s look at some famous “cheaters” and see if they NEVER won.

Richard Nixon.  Infamous liar, who was caught in a wiretapping scandal at Watergate.  Forced to resign from office.  Seems like he lost … but did he really? Cause he was caught lying at the age of 61, when he was in his second term as President.  He lived to the ripe old age of 81, and finished his life as a millionaire, with great NY Giants tickets.  My guess is Tricky Dicky started his cheating ways when he just a little squirt, meaning he had 61 years of successful cheating before he hit his first bump.  VERDICT:  RICHARD NIXON WON.

Eddie Haskell.  Bad kid on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, that lied constantly, and generally was a little shit.  But he always had a grin on his face, cause pretty sure he was doing June from here to Sunday.  Kid also seemed to have cash, which my guess is came from selling weed to Wally.  Wally was a total stoner, and selling dope was good business in the 1950s.  VERDICT:  EDDIE HASKEL WON.

Notorious Milf Hound Eddie Haskell getting ready for some “beaver” time with June.

Napoleon.  Bet you didn’t know he cheated, but he did, which makes sense since the French haven’t won a war since.  Used to make his armies march at night, which was against the rules of warfare in the 18th and early 19th centuries …  and allowed he and his French sissies to sneak up on their lace wearing opponents sleepy asses.  Went from Corporal to Emperor, and had a dessert named after him.  VERDICT.  NAPOLEON WINNER.

Ashton Kutcher.  Cheated on sweet Demi with two blondes in a hot tub, not to mention on the American public by having a career.  Guy sells or books a show every two seconds.  He’s even playing genius Steve Jobs, which is fitting cause Ashton is a genius cheater.  VERDICT:  FUCK YEAH HE WON!

Lucy from PEANUTS pulling the football on Charlie Brown.  Lucy was a nasty piece of work … that put the honest failure known as Charlie Brown on his poorly drawn ass every time.  Lucy was a cheating bitch.  And a winner.

TITANIC’S Caledon Nathan Hockley, played by Billy Zane.  Gets off the ship by bribing, lying and cheating his way onto a lifeboat reserved for women and children … and even brains Fabricio with an oar when the poor Italian immigrant tries to climb on the cheater’s life boat.  WINNER.

Staying with TITANIC, Rose Dewitt Bukater, played by Kate Winslet.  Cheats on “Cal” Hockley with Leo, basically molesting the kid (he was like 12 in that movie), then won’t even let Leo’s poor skinny ass on the giant, barge-sized, flotation device she hogs up with her large cheating hips.  Lives to be 100 and throws away a giant diamond that could feed a country, just so she can.  Fucking unbelievable.  VERDICT:  WINNER.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk.  Only Starfleet cadet ever to beat the Kobayashi Maru simulation — by cheating — cause he didn’t believe in the unwinnable scenario.  You know why?  Cause that’s how Kirk rolled.  Blew off regulations, lied to aliens, lied to women.   Every episode.  Like clockwork.  And he got laid with green chicks, and he blew up Klingons.  VERDICT:  Best cheater in the Universe.

Captain Kirk prepares to cheat the Romulan Empress out of her Imperial panties.

Which leads us to this week’s moral.  Winners … real winners, the ones who sustain success over a lifetime … do not draw within the lines, or play by the rules.


About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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