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Today I’ve decided to focus on the famous fable, The Scorpion and The Frog, that some of you may remember from your youth — or not — as I’m aware some of my readers are not classically educated. 

In it, a Scorpion wants to cross the river, so he asks a Frog to carry him across the river on its back.  The Frog declines, pointing out that the Scorpion is poisonous, and will kill the Frog.  The Scorpion counters that the Frog will be in no danger, because if the Scorpion stings the Frog during the watery journey, both will perish. 

The Scorpion climbs onto the Steampunk Frog. Yeah, I kinda dig Steampunk.
The Scorpion climbs onto the Steampunk Frog. Yeah, I kinda dig Steampunk.

Buying this logic, the Frog agrees, allowing the Scorpion onto its back, and swims across the river.  Only when they reach the middle of the river, the Scorpion stings the Frog.  Shocked and dying, the Frog declares “Why?  You’ve killed us both!”  To which the now drowning Scorpion retorts:  “Because I’m a Scorpion.”  And they both die.

This footage was retrieved from a Chase ATM across the stream. Chilling.
This footage was retrieved from a Chase ATM across the stream. Chilling.

The moral to this tale:  “One’s nature cannot be changed.”

Which I agree with … I really do.  Only this fable doesn’t tell us that.  Not one bit.  It’s flawed … actually totally off the charts fucking flawed, and I’m gonna tell you why.

First off, Scorpions live in deserts.  Begging the question, what the fuck is the Scorpion doing in a forest, and why the hell does he want to cross the river?  Does he have a picnic date under the Willow tree with the Spider?  Not likely.

Also, while the Scorpion can sting, it’s not Hannibal Fucking Lector.  They use their tails to kill prey, or defend themselves.  Period.  Ever see a Scorpion eat a big-ass Frog?

What’s more likely is that the Frog, which eats insects, would tell the Scorpion “Hey dude, come over here … you gotta see this crazy-ass YouTube video about a Snake that can blow itself,”  and then THWAP!  The Scorpion gets nailed with the Frog’s cool-ass Venus Fly Trap tongue, and is gobbled down into the Frog’s belly.  Which probably results in the Scorpion stinging the shit out of the Frog’s insides, killing them both.  Hmmm … that’s what happened in the Fable.  But at least my version is fucking logical.  A bit flawed, but better than the original.

But this version still doesn’t address the biggest problem with the Fable.  The fact that the  Scorpion is acting in a suicidal manner by even going near the gigantic insect-eating Frog, let alone coming up with the brilliant idea of turning the Frog into its own personal fucking Titanic.

Messing with this fat F is a cry for help.
Messing with this fat F is a cry for help.

Makes zero sense, as rule number one of “nature” is survival at all costs.  Survive, and reproduce.  Yet, in this non-sensical story, the Scorpion’s willing to kill itself just for shits and giggles.  “Gotcha Frog!  Now we both sink to our doom, ha ha ha!!!”  It doesn’t make sense …

Unless …  we see this story for what it is … the story of a drug addict out of control, destroying everything and everyone around it.  We all know this guy.

Because the Scorpion clearly is a Meth head.  Totally out of its fucking mind, driven from its desert home by pissed off family and friends, tired of dealing with its fucked up Breaking Bad shit.

Which is a world unknown to the Frog, cause I’m guessing the Frog is a Mormon.  Never even exposed to alcohol, let alone a messed up, poisonous predator off its rocker on crank.  Taught from a Tadpole to believe in helping your fellow forest critter, and to wear special underwear.  “Sure I’ll carry you across, Mr. sweating Scorpion.  Are you familiar with the works of Joseph Smith?”

Think about it.  Makes perfect sense.  It has to be the real story.   Tragic, but true.

And the Moral of the story:  Meth heads should stay out of Utah.

About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
Contact: Website


  1. As your sole reader, I take umbrage (and not the Harry Potter kind) at the notion that I’m that I’m not classically educated.

  2. I’m not sure, but would the story make more sense to you if it was a Republican and a Democrat … and they were trying to find a way to cross a financial cliff?

  3. I just lived this story again with the same scorpion………..2 years later!!ARGGGGGGGGGGG!!!Can a frog change into a beautiful princess?

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