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NY Jets Coach Rex Ryan announces there is no Sanchez/Tebow Quarterback Controversy – “They Both Suck!”

Addressing the Press from a snack break at Carls Jr., NY Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan has decided to clear the air about what is being called a quarterback controversy in New York.  “I’m tired of all this yackin’ about who’s gonna start.  Newsflash people.  Both of them blow donuts,” Ryan barked, while actually eating a donut he had in his pocket.

“Sanchez cares more about his thick, lustrous, sexy latin hair than our playbook – and that Tebow kid has his head so far up the Lord’s keister, he doesn’t even remember how to throw a spiral.  So I’m not going to play either of those cupcakes!”  Ryan then pulled a cupcake out of his other pocket, and swallowed it without chewing.

When asked who would be the new Jets’ starter, Ryan finished his milkshake, burped, then scratched his sweaty armpit in thought.  “Hmmm, give me a sec.  Got it!  You’re gonna love this … I’m so smart … Here it comes …”

“This guy!”  Pounding his pudgy fists over his woman-like breasts.  “That’s right … the Rex-ster.  You’ve all seen me throw the old pigskin during pre-game, and I’m pretty damn good if you ask me … plus my Doctor wants me to get more cardio.  I hate those F-in stationary bikes.  No cup holders.  Now who’s ready for a damn snack?”

Coach Ryan finished the press conference with a damn snack – two racks of ribs, and a stick of butter – then made his patented predictions for the season.

Jets will win the Superbowl, defeating the Patriots by 54 points.

Ryan will be named the NFL MVP, passing for around 50,000 yards or so, and running for a couple of touchdowns.  “The Fridge had nothing on the ‘Ice Cream Truck!'”

And Superbowl MVP Ryan will finally get to meet his long time idol, Taylor Lautner, at Disney Land.  “I just think that kid’s talented as heck.  And he’s got some handsome feet.   Now who’s up for a Rolo run?”

About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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