In a move foreseen by many prophets, God in a news conference held at the East Rutherford Sheridan, announced he was benching the entire Jets team, organization, owners, and the fans, even the ones that also kinda root for the Giants … and starting Tebow.
“This is a change that me and Saint Peter have been discussing for many weeks, as everything about this organization, from the coaches, players, and even the fans is flat out terrible — with the exception of Tebow,” a visibly annoyed God declared, “but Saint Peter advised me to wait until the cock crowed thrice before doing anything hasty … and as all of you saw in that Monday night debacle … cocks crowed.” Saint Peter then grabbed the mic, making it clear that God literally meant the sound of roosters crowing – not blasphemous speech, and directed the press to witnesses who could confirm they heard crowing coming out of a skybox occupied by the Sanchez family.
Rex Ryan, upon hearing the news, accepted it with the class that we would expect. “Fuck that guy,” Rex bellowed, a stick of butter jammed in the left side of his mouth. “I mean, God has no idea what we’re planning to do this year. This is all part of the plan, man. Ground and pound! Ground and pound! Hey, I can’t feel my arm!”
Five seconds later, Rex’s heart exploded. The massive body was then consumed by a swarm of giant beetles that materialized out of the floorboards.
God’s office asserts this was not retribution. “Lap band surgery can’t make up for a life devoid of exercise, nutrition, gluttony and let’s just face it, common sense,” Heaven Press Secretary and Holy General of the Blessed Hosts, Arch Angel Michael stated. “Rex has been Walking Dead for years. And the less intelligent twin with the bad hair is right behind him. Nobody escapes the wrath of the Lord.”
Tebow, for his part, is very thankful. Very. “I am very thankful for the faith that God, Jesus, and the entire Heaven organization has put in me,” Tebow declared, while flagellating himself with licorice strips found in Rex’s pants. “And of course, Sal Gluckstein, my agent, who made this all possible. I have no intention of letting God, or the Lord Jesus Christ down. Whether it’s winning games, drafting free agents or running around the stands with a green fire helmet on and baptizing ushers, while cheering myself to victory – I will not fail. All hail the Lord Jesus Christ!”
Jesus has yet to comment on the move. His office did release the following statement. “Jesus is a tremendous fan of the NFL, but right now is focused on baseball. And very exhausted from the effort it took to get the Orioles into the playoffs.”
When asked where he would put all of the benched Jets fans, God responded. “Every Sunday I will extend my power, and bid my winged Seraphim to carry all of my children garbed in green to Staten Island. And I will bless the Jets faithful with free Heineken and a Jersey Shore marathon.” Arch Angel Michael added that the Verenzano would be mined just in case any wise-asses try to drive their plumbing trucks to the game.
Hell’s press office released an immediate statement in response, stating that they have the utmost confidence in Bill Belichick, and the New England Patriots.