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RAMBLINGS’ NOT AT THE MOVIES: AFTER EARTH

Jaden Smith, left, and WIll Smith star in Columbia Pictures' "After Earth."

Okay, I haven’t “not” seen a movie recently that really inspired me to write a review … until this gem.  From what I’ve been able to figure out from the trailers — and terrible reviews that I kinda have not read — superstar Will Smith dies pretty early in this bomb … leaving us stuck watching the movie star version of Justin Bieber — Jaden Pinket-Smith.  Add M. Night Shamalama-dingdong, and this movie screams … run away!!!

I’m guessing this movie really really sucked – guessing, because I have no actual idea what actually happens in this movie, having wisely decided to instead spend the $15 ticket price on a bottle of mass-produced California Chardonnay sold at Ralphs.  The alternative was to give Will Smith my $15, which he will spend on a $1200 bottle of Bordeaux he is drinking at this moment in the South of France, laughing at all of the morons who saw the latest screen credit he bought for his son.

Now, for a plot summary … based on pure speculation, and 3 minutes of trailer footage.  Will Smith and his son are a Father-Son spaceship team, out on a really political correct mission for humanity — maybe looking for a planet that has an organic drug to cure narcissism.  We learn that humanity now lives on a planet called “Terra” or “New Earth” or “Bel Aire” in the Andromeda Galaxy.   The reason for this is “old Earth,” went to hell following Sony’s decision in 2019 to stop funding more MEN IN BLACK movies.   Things are going great on Will and Jaden’s ship, which probably involves one scene where they both do an ancient art-form called “rap”, cause they’re the coolest space Dad-Son combo ever – until Jaden does something stupid … like trying to think.

Will and Jaden show off their musical talent … as the ship heads towards an asteroid.

If I had to bet it all on what makes the ship crash, I’d go with WIll goes to bed, and gives his “irresponsible” son a job.  Will (in spacesuit): “Don’t hit the button that says ‘auto-destruct.'”  Jaden, being a sneeze above a vapid moron, promptly hits the button, and next thing you know, the flying partybus is burning through “old earth’s” atmosphere.

With seconds to spare — and a real movie to star in, filming in St. Tropez — Will tells his son he “loves” him … then shoots out an airlock and dies.  That I kinda saw in the trailer.  Sorry for the SPOILER, but I’m pretty sure Will dies.  And if you were stupid enough to see the movie, pretty sure you just got it up the wazoo with the old “bait and switch.”  Have fun watching Jaden try to run from CGI animals and “monsters” for the next 70 minutes.

Jaden Smith stares at a green screen … right before commanding his 34 year-old assistant, Janice, to go buy him one of the blonde bitch’s dragons from Game of Thrones.

The movie ends of course when Jaden, after a forgettable adventure staring blankly at green screen monsters, finds “something” that nobody cares about … probably an “ancient” communications station, so he can contact his massive agent team at CAA to rescue him.  He flies off on the agency supership, literally spilling “crocodile tears” over his dead Dad — literally as the entire Pinket-Smith family lubricates their eyes with imported Ugandan Crocodile saliva — and the movie thankfully ends, leaving a stunned audience with a “WTF” bubble over their heads.

Morgan Freeman is NOT in AFTER EARTH. He is in OBLIVION, which I did not see … but I WILL SEE!

Having picked on poor, or rich, Jaden, I should point out there is another villain in this movie scam.  M. Night Shamalama-dingdong.  After UNBREAKABLE, which I really really liked, M. Night has been phoning it in. I like random supernatural shit, but M. Night’s not even trying anymore.  That said, I didn’t focus on him in this “hater” review, as my guess is that Jaden locked M. Night in the post-production team’s Porta Pottie, and told the DP to just film this “bitch,” and make me look “good.”

And that is AFTER EARTH.  In theory, my review could be wrong, given I did not see the movie.  But I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong.  Actually, I am completely sure I’m not wrong.  AFTER EARTH is horrible.  My alternate movie recommendation … MEN IN BLACK.

Rock on, Will Smith.  You are a talent.  Not sure about the rest of the clan …

Will realizes he’s gonna be supporting this kid for a long time.
About Marty 85 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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