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Ramblings Not At The Movies: STAND UP GUYS.

Ray Lewis celebrating his boring 28-6 victory, and 17th straight year not in prison thanks to a lost suit.

The logical post today was to rant about the SUPERBOWL, but it was so boring.  I mean, when I passed out drunk just as the third quarter was starting, the score was 28-6, and one of those obnoxious Harbaugh parents had just pulled the power in the Superdome to even things out for little Jimmy.  And one thing we know about New Orleans … once the lights go out, the party starts.  Game over.

My third to last memory before the half-time Schnapps contest I almost won.

So, now to more important things.  The movie that I know none of you saw, and I most certainly did not, as I’m still under a 100 years old — at least based on age — STAND UP GUYS.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not against seeing movies with old people.  I love movies with old people. COCOON, STAR TREK 3: SEARCH FOR SPOCK, SEX AND THE CITY 2 – saw and loved all of them!   I could watch a Walter Matthau movie any day, any time of the week.  And as we all know, Walter Matthau was old in every one of his movies … even the ones back in the 1950s when he supposedly was really young … as in 57 years old.

I recommend seeing this movie about a bunch of old whores that start the Arab Spring.

My problem with seeing STAND UP GUYS is … you can just tell by the trailer that it really sucks.  And this is why.

First.  It seems that Pacino is this old crook, I think, that gets out of jail, or prison, and is picked up by old buddy, fellow bad guy and co-scenery chewer Christopher Walken.  Only another old guy, I think some British codger not on DOWNTON ABBEY,, tells Walken to kill Pacino, presumably for over-acting in his last 11 movies, but Walken decides to spend one last big day with the multi-Oscar/facelift recipient, so they can keep telling the audience over and over again what a good time they are having.  At least that’s what I keep seeing in the trailer.  Though not the actual movie … which I have no plans of ever viewing.

I think they call that a computer. Shoot it.  We’re having such a great day.

So, what does this tell me?  First, were I to waste my money and time watching STAND UP GUYS, I guess I’d be forced to endure them spending an “amazing” day together …  while worrying about when Walken’s gonna put a bullet into one of Pacino’s fake cheekbones.   But I’m pretty sure their day’s not that amazing.  Or fun.  Or anyone really gives a shit about any of their crap.  This is why.

The comedy appears to be entirely based on old jokes/references, and false forced camaraderie.  The scene where they are in a car with Alan Arkin, and one of them doesn’t know how to start it, cause you have to “hit the button” says it all.  I don’t know much, but I do know that old people fucking know how to start cars.  They don’t understand DVR’s, or the interweave … but they certainly get Cadillac ignition systems.  And driving buzzed … though they don’t fully get brakes.  Terrible scene.  Terrible movie.  I think.

Alan Arkin dying after winning a SAG award for not knowing how to turn on his phone.

Then there’s the “bro-mance” that they’re pushing.  The commercials I saw promoting this  — commercials being the only way you market movies to 90 year olds — compared it to THE BUCKET LIST.  While I never saw The Bucket List, as I’m saving it for my actual bucket list five years from now when the gout finally takes me, I’m fairly confident that Stand Up Guys wouldn’t be a movie that Nicholson and Freeman would put on the list.  That’s because it seems so … fake.  That’s the only word for it.  As fake as Pacino’s eyebrows.

For example, there’s another scene in the trailer — I studied the trailer by the way — where Pacino tells Walken that they’re having a “better” time now than when they were young.   Young being in the 1970s.  Really?  You don’t know how to turn on a car, and your creepy best friend is about to shoot you — but everything is still more fun than when you were doing Coke and three way-ing with Cheryl Tiegs and Mick Jagger in the basement of Studio 54?  I don’t buy it, and neither would you.  Were you moronic enough to buy a ticket.

Plotwise, it seems pretty obvious.  Walken has a dilemma about killing Pacino.  Finally he decides to off the obnoxious loudmouth, but my guess is Pacino gets him first.  Because that’s in Pacino’s contract.  Nobody gets to take him out, even when he so deserves it.  Just watch HEAT.  Deniro should have won that battle … yet annoying, camera mugging Pacino puts a bullet in Deniro’s blessed head.  Annoying.  Only word for it … and Pacino.  Oh yeah, fake too.

This is how you act in a motion picture!

And so is STAND UP GUYS.  Not because it’s about old people. But because it sucks.  At least I think it does, but then again … I didn’t see it.  And I’m kinda old.

About Marty 84 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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