Taken 2! Big weekend hit, made about a gazillion dollars. Plot is pretty obvious. Liam Neeson once again has to become a total badass to save his slutty daughter from dark-skinned bad guys somewhere in the evil wastelands that exist outside of our blessed nation. Because everybody knows that the second you send your teenager to Europe, Asia, Africa, South America or Australia, they get banged by sleazy foreigners. Or kidnapped, if you are Liam Neeson.
Now normally I’d rip this movie, being snarky, and telling you all the obvious, lame plot points, lines, etc. I could. I really could. But I’m not. Because … Liam Neeson is a man among boys. A lord among peasants. I mean … he’s just … awesome.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a quick peek at his body of work.
He’s fucking Zeus in Clash of the Titans. Not Apollo, not Hermes … but Zeus, the King of the Gods, who turns into swans to have sex with mortals, shoots lightning bolts at assholes, and throws the Titans into hell. Look, I know Clash of the Titans wasn’t the best movie ever … but it ain’t Liam’s fault. Watch that movie, and you’re gonna be bored at first, until Liam comes onscreen — then you’re gonna spill your beer and yell out, “holy shit, it’s Zeus!” Cause he actually is Zeus. I really believe it. Liam Neeson is Zeus … disguised as Liam Neeson.
What else? Oh yeah, he’s a fucking Jedi Master in, yes, the worst of the Star Wars series, Phantom Menace, but his always solid, gravity-laden performance as Yum Dum Something was the only thing that kept the audience from ripping down the screens in protest over the detestable Jar Jar Binks. Plus, you know he got on Natalie Portman. I mean, the chick gets knocked up on set all the time, and it’s not like Ewan McGregor’s a threat. Liam!
You think Liam’s just some big movie sellout? Oh no, he owns the drama genre. Let’s not forget that he’s Schindler, saving his workers, earning Academy Awards, and our hearts.
Then a week later he’s Mr. Sexy, Kinsey, teaching people how to have sex in crazy positions. Didn’t actually see KINSEY, but that’s what I assume the movie’s about. Pretty sure there was a three-way in it.
But in case you think he’s too high-brow, Liam occasionally kicks the shit out of BATMAN. Then he trains Batman, and then kicks his ass again. Cause that’s how Liam rolls. And I’m not talking one of the wimpy Batmans (see Clooney, Keaton, Kilmer) … but Christian “I’m fucking nuts” Bale Batman. I wouldn’t fight Christian Bale for all the tea in China… but that’s just another Tuesday for Liam. He’s so cool.
But Liam’s bad-assery is not confined to humans. He fights, and eats wolves, in THE GREY. And not metrosexual teen wolves like in THE TWILIGHT series, but real fucking wolves. I’m pretty sure when they shot the movie, they just gave Liam a bottle of Scotch, released a bunch of starving wolves, and watched Liam kick their furry asses. At least that’s what I heard. And I live in Hollywood, so it’s probably true. Probably.
But that’s not all there is to Liam. He’s really, really funny. Rocked Ricky Gervais series LIFE IS SHORT, playing himself looking to get into comedy. For those of you who didn’t see the clip, here it is:
How funny is that? It’s not easy to get a bigger laugh than a little person being mocked by Ricky Gervais, but Liam pulls it off. And then I’m sure he, Ricky, the big skinny guy, and Willow got shitfaced afterwards. At Liam’s local, and on his tab. Because that’s what Liam does after he nails a scene. He does.
So where were we? Oh, yeah, Liam. I think you get the point by now. He’s great in a million movies.
Just as I’m sure he delivers in Taken 2. Made a ton of money, and pretty sure it’s the same movie as the original Taken, which did the job if you’re into watching Liam pull scumbags off of his daughter, then shoot them in the head.
Which is why I’m just attaching a link to the Rotten Tomatoes review of the original Taken:
I have no idea if they love or hate it, but the critics are professionals, and saw the original flick … which is 100% the same fucking movie at Taken 2. It is. Liam told me so. And Liam never lies. Ever. Cause he’s Zeus.