Welcome to the first installment of “NOT AT THE MOVIES!” What the hell does that mean? Exactly what it sounds like. I will review movies THAT I HAVE NOT SEEN, neither in the theaters or anywhere else. Impossible or just plain stupid you ask? No, and perhaps.
And how? That’s the easy part. The majority of movies released these days do not require actual viewing to critique, thanks to extended trailers, limited acting ranges and recycled plot lines.
So here it goes. And the first movie is …
Starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and I think … Zach Galifianakis?
Directed by … anybody with a DGA card.
SPOILER ALERT: I can’t spoil this movie. I didn’t see it, just a trailer a few months ago, and I did not read any reviews. But if I do accidentally guess a spoiler, don’t blame me, but rather the Hollywood machine that put out this predictable piece of mediocrity.
Because that is what I’m guessin’ THE WATCH is. Comedy where aliens invade a residential block. Sounds like … ATTACK THE BLOCK! The brilliant British movie out last summer, where tough street kids defend their turf against vicious alien monsters that land in their projects. My recommendation is to just Netflix ATTACK THE BLOCK. Kids were awesome, dialogue fantastic … soundtrack amazing. Five out of five Asparagus Stalks! Just ask Ben Stiller who also obviously saw it … and decided to do his own version.
Which unfortunately brings us back to THE WATCH. My prediction is I was very disappointed.
Because, were I to actually see this movie, I’m sure the plotting goes something like this:
Ben Stiller is a widow/divorcee, now alone in his formerly full house, and bored and depressed. He’s a type “A” guy, and not that likeable.
Which makes us not care when he gets mugged – though it sure freaks him out. So, to our viewing detriment, he starts a neighborhood watch, which I assume none of his neighbors gives a damn about. Nor would I have … had I actually been in a theater.
EXCEPT, Vince Vaughn, who I’d bet a buck plays a married guy who can’t stand his wife and kids, and just needs an excuse to get out of the house, drink some beers, and fire off funny one liners. Tries to be Stiller’s friend, but Stiller too obsessed over protecting their lame neighborhood.
AS IS Jonah Hill, who in a giant stretch for him, plays a 20-something, sensitive, hyper-articulate loser that lives with his parents. Has no friends. Anyone see 21 JUMP STREET? I’m sure Jonah knows something about aliens, which he’ll use to save the gang mid-Act III.
And Zack Gafinasomething, assuming he’s even in this fucking snoozer … just plays the same shit he always plays. A really weird, but fucking funny, outsider, who I assume lives in a car or something … once again, if he’s actually in this movie. Which the more I think about … I don’t think he is.
Comedically, I’m sure there are some laughs. Ben, Vince and Jonah all are very funny, and despite the weak writing, will have some real chemistry. Comedy goes up a notch if Zack in as well – but now I’m really sure he’s not. He’s in that Will Ferrell political comedy, right? Where he plays a really weird, but fucking funny wacko. Love him. I could watch that furry fatty eat wheat thins all day.
But back to THE WATCH. Plot is predictable. They start the neighborhood watch as a lark (except for Stiller who takes super serious). There will be a Boy That Cried Wolf beat, where they claim neighborhood under siege, but turns out to be nothing. Probably cops show up, warn them. Perhaps even jail, where comedy is predictable. Then of course, when CGI aliens finally attack the neighborhood, nobody believes them.
Except maybe one kinda hot chick, which will be light romantic subplot for widower/divorcee Stiller. She will either live in the neighborhood, or be a Detective. Most likely the actress playing her is Stiller’s actual wife. Marcia Brady.
Who will end the movie with Stiller, and he probably has to save her from a monster that was cut from MEN IN BLACK III.
Special effects will be decent, but probably a notch down from MIB III.
Overall, I’d give it 2 Asparagus Stalks out of 5. And once again, recommend you watch ATTACK THE BLOCK. Or GHOSTBUSTERS. Or the original MEN IN BLACK.
And if you worked on this movie, wrote it, starred in it and am offended by the review … I didn’t actually see the movie! I could be completely wrong, and it’s really awesome.
But I’m not, and it ain’t. Cause I think I’m fucking psychic.