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Rambling’s Not At the Polls: GOP Nerd Debate 2!

Talk about eleven people you don’t want to sit with at lunch in Junior High. Even the Sikh kid wearing the Dakar and backtrace is cooler. And one of you just readers got really offended. He just said something about a Sikh! Hey, we’re talking about the Republican debate – anybody “different” is fair game in that club.

Now back to the sequel to the Goonies. I haven’t seen so much flop sweat since The Chevy Chase Show. Note to young people not getting the last joke – Chevy Chase used to be young and funny – then he became middle aged and wasn’t funny – before becoming old and seemingly funny, but it’s actually all Dan Harmon.

The scary thing is, there’s a 47% chance that one of those bozos might be the future President. Or worse, someone you’re trapped in a bathroom with. Just imagine being in the next stall to Christie after he’s finished a big plate of Scungilli. Madonne!

Now where to start in my “analysis.” How about…

Scott Walker.

Howdy Doody rides again!
Howdy Doody rides again!

Who I am pretty sure is a living ventriloquist dummy. Am I wrong? Those eyebrows, moving up, down, sideways while he talks. The sleepy, kinda dumb look on his face. At night his wife puts him in a box, and he doesn’t animate to life until the first ray of dawn hits his wooden nose. I’m not crazy, right? His Dad made a deal with the Blue Fairy. I’ll stand by that.

I'm the governor of Wisconsin, now get you hand out of my ass.
I’m the governor of Wisconsin, now get your hand out of my ass.

That’s all I got to say about Scott Walker. I didn’t listen to a damn word that puppet said. And we move on to…

Dr. Ben Carson!

Pretty sure this cat hangs out with Seth Rogan.
Pretty sure this cat hangs out with Seth Rogan.

One word sums up this guy – STONER! I haven’t seen a guy this baked since James Franco hosted the Academy Awards. The cat just looked and acted totally fried. Staring at his steepled fingers while he talked really slowly, eyes focused on the ceiling, a smirk on his face. He was so fighting the ganja giggles. The good doctor was like, “I can’t believe I’m standing up here with all these white crackers – and I’m totally wasted! And I’m like… a fucking Republican. This is so fucked up! Oh my God. The fat guy on the end knows I’m baked. Act cool, Ben. Act cool.” You are cool, Dr. Ben Carson, cutting Siamese people in half, and going to dinner parties at the White House with Little George. But please, more Burning Man, and less politics…

And speaking of the fat guy on the end…

Chris “the big Ragu” Christie.

He so should have been on the Sopranos.
He so should have been on the Sopranos.

“Guidos in Lavalette – get the fuck off the beach!” I love this guy. Being a Jets fan, I know fifty versions of this goomba. He’s like the Rex Ryan of politicians, loud, obnoxious, only fatter. Sorry Christie, but Rex did shed some pounds. Just saying, big guy. The Lap Band is solid technology.

My favorite Christie moment was, after reminding us for the 100th time that he used to be the U.S. Attorney of N.J., which is the equivalent of being the Sheriff of Tombstone – he said, if President, he’d “prosecute” Hillary for whatever shady shit she’s been up to. Apparently Hillary doesn’t like being threatened, especially given she’s probably guilty. Her response: “That stunade really said that? You tell that fat fuck he can suck my Canolli.” Uffa!

Next in the dork parade is…

Old Guy.

That skin could cut diamonds.
That skin could cut diamonds.

I have no idea who this guy is, except that he lives somewhere near Ohio, has been on social security for over 20 years and used to party with Reagan on his plane. Apparently Old Guy, the Gipper, and Bea Arthur made a Maui Mudslide at 30,000 feet. Cut to Ben Carson laughing – cause stoned guys love laughing at old people.

Our next bad choice…

Count Dracula.

Dark curtains will be installed in the White House.
Dark curtains will be installed in the White House.

It was nice to see the undead represented on stage. I did like Cruz’s solution for ISIS. “First, I’d summon 50 million rats to over-run their fighters, while I simultaneously sucked Al Baghdadi’s blood, turning him into a Vampire Lieutenant.” Note – for those of you supporting Trump, Baghdadi is the head of Isis. Now, re the idea of being ruled by a Vampire King, I actually think it might work. Only catch is I also think that this guy would reign nuclear fire down on all of us if we were ever nuts enough to give him the codes. Just watch Stephen King’s  THE DEAD ZONE and tell me I’m off the reservation on this call. Even stoned Ben Carson doesn’t think Cruz winning is funny – and he thinks everything’s a fucking riot.

Now let’s add some spice to the conversation…

Marco Rubio.

Rubio after he made the mistake of eating one of Dr. Ben Carson’s chocolate bars.

While watching the debate, someone commented to me that Rubio seems like the over-eager kid that offers to mow your lawn for free the first time – but then wants you to pay him fair value the second time – confidant his excellent work ethic will earn him a premium – but basically ripping you off. My response to that Cretin was that such a comment was patently anti-latino and offensive – and I physically tossed the bigot out of my home, who might have been my Mother. But I was kinda drunk. That said, upon reflection, and four more glasses of Irish Whiskey, Rubio reminds me of Ricky Ricardo. He just does. Give him a bongo drum, some rum, and I guarantee you he will belt out the best fucking version of Babalu you’ve ever heard. Did Ricky Ricardo mow lawns?

Rubio banging his bongos out at his campaign headquarters - Club Babalu.
Rubio banging his bongos out at Club Babalu.

Rand Paul & Mike Huckabee.

Admit it you two wacky libertarians… you secretly love the gays!

I figured I’d combine these two fruitloops, given they both have a zero percent chance of becoming President of this country. Why? The reasons are legion, but just to give a few examples –  Huckabee looks like Richard Nixon and believes that Dred Scott is still the law of the land and Rand Paul’s hair is a natural Merken. Yes, I went there. What’s a man with pubic hair on his scalp gonna do? He’s a fucking Libertarian trying to run the most powerful nation on the planet. It’s like giving Viagra to the Pope. Waste of good dick pills.

Speaking of which, wasn’t there a chick up there too?

Geraldine Ferraro.

Geraldine Ferraro pointing at a ten story HP printer she built for shits and giggles.
Geraldine Ferraro pointing at a ten story HP printer she built for shits and giggles.

I thought the old battleaxe was dead, so I was delighted to see Geraldine back in action. But wasn’t she a Democrat? Guess she crossed the aisle. Must have better perks. Apparently, since Geraldine last ran against Ronald Reagan, she ran a printer company into the ground, hooked up with Trump a few times, and studied naval strategy. Because the one thing she kept telling us this country needs is a rebuilt Sixth fleet. The other 80 fleets must really blow. Honestly, what was with her and the Sixth Fleet? Is that like a super space fleet of Battlestars? I don’t know – but I kinda hope it is! And the more I sober up from all the industrial wine I downed, the more I think that wasn’t actually Geraldine Ferraro. Who was that broad? Holy shit. Is Palin back?

Who’s left? Oh yeah, Bush. Fucking Bush.

I love my big brother... this much!
I love my big brother… this much!

I’ve already RAMBLED about Jeb, so I’m just pasting the link to that article.

I’m so bored of Jeb. He’s obviously gonna win the nomination, despite having only 3% of the vote, because Bush’s don’t need majorities to win and because that’s what Daddy Bush wants. And what Daddy Bush wants, Daddy Bush gets. Because Daddy Bush rolls with Big Oil. And Big Oil wants a scared Owl in the Whitehouse. Cause Jeb looks like a big scared Owl. That speaks Spanish to teen boys. Arriba Señor Jeb!

And last, but not least… TRUMP!

This is how the Donald thinks he looks.
This is how the Donald thinks he looks.

Too much material. His hair alone deserves 100o words and three posts, so…

To be continued…

Rambling’s Not at the Polls: GOP Nerd Debate 2!

Posted by Ramblings Of An Asparagus on Friday, September 18, 2015

About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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