It’s already election season, and this 2016 looks like it’s gonna be a doozy. With 57 Republicans already announcing their intention for a shot at wasting four years of this country’s time – and God knows how many Democratic do-gooders once Hillary is exposed as Faceless Man Jaqen H’guar – I figured people need some help in figuring out who the hell all of these jokers are. And topping the list of “who the hell is this guy” is Jeb Bush. Now, you may be saying, everyone knows who Jeb Bush is, right? He’s a damn Bush. George W’s brother. Or is he George W’s dad? No, the really old Bush, George Herbert Bush was the original Bush prez. Meaning Jeb must be the big brother of George W, cause he’s like all tall and big brother looking, and George W. so looks like a little brother. But wait, Jeb must be the little brother of George W., given George W. already is retired and got old. Or is Jeb related to Billy Bush, the talking suit on Access Hollywood?And what about that stupid chick on the Today Show, Jenna Jagermeister Bush? Is she like Jeb’s wife? Nah, he could do better.
The point being, Jeb Bush needs to be analyzed and distinguished from the other Bush band members so you, the informed voter, can make an intelligent, confidant decision come November 2016, when you’re given the choice between two very similar candidates pre-selected by the hidden cabal that controls our world. But that’s a different story…
And now, some facts that will give you a better idea of who Jeb is in comparison to his more famous Presidential family members, Daddy George H. and big bro George W.
Education. Jeb went to Rice and then Texas for a law degree. George W. attended Yale and then Harvard Business school. Daddy Bush went to Yale as well and got a graduate degree in kickass, having fought in WWII. In theory this indicates that Jeb is the least intelligent Bush, or that Daddy stopped donating to Yale after little George.
Religion. Jeb is a Roman Catholic. He converted from the Episcopalian faith in the 1990s. George W. is a United Methodist. He converted from the Episcopalian faith in the 1970s. Daddy Bush, George Herbert still is an Episcopalian, though part of a sect that also worships a fertility goddess named Shakalana. It is likely that Jeb and little George did not share Daddy’s devotion to Shakalana.
Height. Jeb Bush is 6’3″. Daddy Bush is 6’2″ and little George is actually the smallest, at 6’0″. Conclusion: Jeb Bush is the least likely Bush to successfully hide under your kitchen table.
Children: George H. had six children, including Jeb and little George. Jeb has three children. George W. has two children, but one of them is Jenna Hager, making it really 1 1/2. Conclusion: George H. is the sexiest Bush.
Random Dungeons & Dragons attributes. Jeb Bush is a 17th level ArchDruid, and in addition to controlling plants, can communicate with certain species of birds, specifically owls. His animal companion is a black bear named Growl. George W. is a halfling cleric/thief, and can has polymorph once a day into a 200 foot native-american. George H. is a 25th level Death Knight, is immune to fire, and has a 50% resistance to magic.
Speed. Jeb Bush if frightened can reach land speeds of up to 27 MPH on foot and 33 MPH in his electric scooter. George H. is completely immobile, unless his wife is out of the room, in which case he can reach the Scotch cabinet. George W. strides around his ranch at 4 MPH and indoors travels by horse at 18 MPH.
Comedic Talents. George W. is the least funny Bush, unless he’s drinking, in which case he’s hilarious. Apart from Sopranos impersonations, Jeb Bush is entirely humorless. George H, was a professional comedian before he entered politics, and was a cast member on SNL for seven seasons.
Music taste. George H. is into East Coast rap, specifically Afrika Bambaataa. George W. likes the house band from the Hee Haw show. Jeb is partial to the sound of running tap water.
Party ability. George W., before he became a drinking “quitter,” was by far the biggest rager in the family, and generally regarded as an awesome guest at kegs. The other two just smoke a lot of weed and watch tennis.
Business skills. All three Bushes are professionals at receiving vast wealth from dead white men. This should not be snickered at, as keeping three commas on your bank account while taking on relatively modest paying civil servant jobs requires attention to detail… and investing in steel and weapons businesses while knowing someone in the White House.
Political views. George H. favors monarchy and hates Iraq. George W. favors a Theocracy, though he thinks that word means a place where a guy named Theo lives and generally gives out cool advice. George W. also hates Iraq. Jeb wants to create a Quorum of the Twelve, and to make Kobol the capital planet of the Twelve Colonies. He also favors the creation of more Battlestars to deter future Cylon aggression… and of course pound Iraq.
Conclusion: Jeb is without a doubt a distinct human being from the Georges. So, feel free to vote for him without fear of him being an exact clone of his Bush predecessors. I mean, it’s not like he can invade Iraq anymore. Right?