Two weeks ago, in my ramble GOP Nerd Debate 2, I took a lot of flack for suggesting that Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson was really really “high” during the second Presidential debate, as well as during the first debate, and basically for most of his waking existence. “There’s no way a doctor would ever do drugs!” my Urologist, Bernie Jellyfinger shrieked, while methodically checking my “boys” for lumps. Without gloves I might add. Old school. “Presidential candidates are subject to random drug tests,” Yankees pal Alex Rodriguez assured me, adding “And FYI, I don’t actually try in the playoffs. In case you think I suck. I don’t. I just don’t care.” Oh, A-Rod, I know you don’t care, ya big lug.
But the message was received. And for a moment I thought the unwashed masses were right. I clearly am an idiot. What was I thinking making such an outrageous suggestion about a man who spends his life selflessly cutting twins in two? And then the good Doctor spoke some magic words, not once, but twice, which proved definitively that the man is on drugs. Lots of drugs.
“Most of the plaster casts we have of Pompeii victims show them basically just lying down and whatnot… If I had been in Pompeii and I heard Mt. Vesuvius erupting, you can bet I would have made a run for it.” Message: Romans are lazy and I don’t understand what actually happens when a volcano erupts.
“The likelihood of Hitler being able to accomplish his goals would have been greatly diminished if the people had been armed.” Message: Jewish families with handguns would have defeated the most powerful army in the world – and clearly the French were total pussies.
I believe nothing more need be said about such statements, other than, we can definitely expect more of them from the Mary Jane toking surgeon of silliness. So here are ten lines which I wouldn’t be shocked to hear Ben Carson utter:
10. “If Cortez hadn’t burned his ships when he arrived in the New World, we wouldn’t have a border problem. And Spain would have a much better navy.”
9. “Native American groups always bitch about the diseased blankets they were given. You always wash gifts.”
8. “I always take a grenade with me on cruises. Think I ‘m crazy? Try getting swallowed by a humpback whale.”
7. “Genghis Khan would have ruled China longer if he didn’t pursue Kirk into the Mutara Nebula.”
6. “If I was on the Titanic I would have climbed up on the iceberg. Iceland is built on an iceberg.”
5. “It just vexes me that Voldemort never poisoned Harry Potter. Poison is the best way to kill a disrespectin’ muthafuka.”
4. “People always mock Marie Antoinette for offering cake to the French poor. I eat French cake for breakfast and sometimes second breakfast. Dumb French poor.”
3. “JFK would have survived if he wore a bulletproof motorcycle helmet. If I become President, I vow to wear a bulletproof motorcycle helmet.”
2. “I think when those Syrian refugees finally make it to Germany, those Krauts are gonna regret tearing down the Wall.”
1. “The Tsars would still rule Russia if the populace hadn’t been armed. And yes, my nickname in High School was the Tsar of Pussy.”