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Ramblings’ Not Quite at the Oscars: Part I.

People say that Los Angeles doesn’t have weather, doesn’t have seasons. Not true. We have Award seasons. And none is greater than the Oscars! Why? Because the “movie” people send out Oscar screeners – free copies of every movie that most of America is forced to spend $15 a ticket on.  Of course you have to be important to receive such screeners. Or perhaps not. Because I get them… and  have opinions.  Which I will share with you, saving you hundreds of dollars, so on Oscar night you can sneer at some poser at a viewing party that you too have an opinion on UNBROKEN: “Yes, Jolie is a genius. And has fantastic legs.” And here they are – my reviews of the most important of the contenders. Part I. Whether Part II ever is written depends on my wine fridge.

This is the “villain” in UNBROKEN. He is very villainous. Why? Because he carries a bamboo cane and wears eye makeup.

THE WILD!

Reese carries a very heavy backpack, but not a good movie.

This movie does not require a lot of discussion. Plot is Reese Witherspoon has  generic independent movie problems and decides to backpack around the Western U.S. She meets many people, has unexpected connections, ultimately doesn’t find what she’s looking for… but in a way does.

My review. This movie was HORRIBLE. But, just so you can judge for yourself, below are some images that tell you everything you need to know about this meandering journey.

Reese 30 minutes into the movie.
This is Reese 60 minutes into the movie.
This is Reese 90 minutes into the movie.
And Reese AFTER the movie, once again RICH because morons paid to watch her pretend to hike around like a hippie with great hair.

That’s pretty much it. In fairness, there are some FLASHBACKS to tell us why she does what she does – jerk boyfriend, dying Laura Dern Mom, drug addiction, nymphomania, etc. All terribly sad stuff, granted… but not something I needed to experience through multi-millionaire Reese Witherspoon. And they already kind of made this movie called… INTO THE WILD. Hmm, didn’t even try to change up the title. Go figure.

Anybody know a good Copyright lawyer?

Which is why you should save your money, and watch…

THE IMITATION GAME.

Benedict Cumberbatch headed to do important work in an important time looking very important in an important film.

A very important movie. Why? Because it is British and stars many important British actors, including Benedict Cumberbatch. As in SHERLOCK and KHAN from the last Star Trek – assuming you’re reading this at the second I’m writing this. It also deals with World War II, a very important war – and tells the story of the man who literally helped win the war in a major way, but as a reward was thrown into the dirt, and utterly destroyed. In short, I LOVED THIS MOVIE!  You must watch it.

Here are some visuals of why you will LOVE this movie.

Tywin Lannister is the villain. Next to Hitler of course.
The new love interest from THE GOOD WIFE is in it!
Tom Branson from Downton is in it! And he’s kinda evil…
Keara Knightly is in it… and in this!

THE IMITATION GAME is the story of a brilliant man who invented the computer, cracked the German code saving millions of lives, but was destroyed for a secret.  A secret that today means nothing. He was gay. In 2015, he’d be rolling in San Tropez with Sir Elton John and have his own Bravo show. But thanks to bad timing, Alan Turing’s payment was chemical castration, depression and death. What does all of this add up to… multiple academy awards. Put that in the Bank of England. And watch this movie.

But maybe not this one…

UNBROKEN.

This is what someone “unbroken” looks like. According to Director Angelina Jolie.

Or maybe so. The movie is not terrible. It’s not great. Not sure it’s good, but it does deal with an interesting person. Louis Zamperini. Fought in the GREAT WAR. Bombadier on a B24, survived a water landing. Very rare. Survived on a life raft in the middle of the Pacific for 45 days. Was rescued by Japan – when Japan hated us – and basically was tortured for 2 years in Tokyo by a Japanese pop star. Then we nuke Japan, and he’s freed. Japanese pop star escapes without consequences. Run credits. That is Unbroken. Watch it if that’s your bag. To help, here are some images…

This is the Director. She is beautiful and rich and now hated by the Japanese. And doesn’t give a shit, because she could buy them.
Louis looks like this for the first 30 minutes of the movie.
This is the fella that Angelina decided would play a sadistic Japanese prison guard. They also partied together on her space yacht.
And the last hour he basically looks like this. And doesn’t really talk.

Okay, so this one is your call. I’m putting it on you. I say watch it… but then again, I did without paying a dime. Is it worth $15? Nah. $10? No. $5? Yes! Get the Child matinee rate. Or sell a movie and get free screeners.

Hope this helped and stay tuned for Part II:

The Theory of Everything. Fox Catcher. Night Crawler.

And maybe the new Hobbit…

 

About Marty 84 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
Contact: Website

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