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THOUGHTLESS THURSDAY: Fake Orca – Live Sea Lions. How could this possibly go wrong?

Really? Putting a fake “Orca” in a harbor to scare off cute Sea Lions? That’s really being discussed, funded, implemented by town officials. Now I realize that the pro-fake-Orca crew will cite how badly the Sea Lions smell, how they constantly honk on their circus horns, the hundreds of pounds of Sea Lion poop everywhere but… surely you could come up with a better plan than… fake Orca. Right?

These vermin must be exterminated.
The brain trust behind the plan.

In the interest of responding to their razor-sharp retort of, “Well, do you have a better idea?”, here are some better ideas.

FAKE BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN. Nothing frightens large mammals like the last vestiges of Tsarist military power. 

The movie is probably scarier.

FAKE POOP. The cheapest option, as the town elders merely have to toss a Baby Ruth into the harbor. Now I know the haters are saying, the Sea Lions won’t care, because there is already Sea Lion poop in the harbor… but it’s not “their” poop, which makes it disgusting. That’s the big difference. Poop is highly subjective.

Fake poop emptying a fancy country club pool.

FAKE JUSTIN BIEBER. Sea Lions inexplicably are terrified of the tattooed pop star.

This will definitely clear the harbor of wildlife… and fill the town with slutty teens.
About Marty 86 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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