Standing on the Manhattan courthouse steps following his federal victory in “Deflategate” Thursday, Tom Brady couldn’t heap enough praise on his crack legal team, led by Lord “Little Finger” Baelish of Westeros. The square jawed Brady gushed to reporters: “I really think that Petyr was able to get through to the Judge that I had no knowledge of any illegal actions regarding the footballs prior to our game.” When asked about the specifics of his winning strategy, Little Finger added: “I focused on the lack of proper notice to Mr. Brady following the suspension. I also employed some basic extortion, specifically regarding the Judge’s secret visits to my whorehouse in Kings Landing, which I observed while pleasuring myself through a peephole.” Brady interrupted Little Finger to remind him about the “cool shit” he did to that “prick” Goodell. Little Finger: “Yes, I also paid for the abduction of Roger Goodell’s family by Bravos mercenaries in my employ. They are currently fighting for their lives in the slave pits of Meereen.”
Brady and Little Finger first met during the War of the Seven Kings, when Brady, as part of his off-season training, joined the Lannister forces in subjugating all of Westeros. Brady: “I really learned a lot about politics, “sacking”, and murder from the Lannisters, especially Lord Tywin, who reminded me a lot of Coach Belichick. Plus I bonded with a bunch of his boys, especially Sir Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane, who really improved my muscle regimen, and taught me the best way to spit a peasant boy on a lance.”
This isn’t the first big win for litigator Little Finger. Other recent victories include his successful defense of King Joffrey Lannister for the beheading of Ned Stark in Lannister v. Stark, plus his successful defamation suit on behalf of lord Walder Frey against the surviving Starks, in In Re Red Wedding. Little Finger: “I feel very good about being able to help the Freys, a great great family. Walder threw a heck of wedding for his daughter Rosyln and Lord Edmure, and didn’t deserve all the negative and defamatory comments made by the Northerners.”
Brady and Little Finger have also become fast friends, and the superstar quarterback has reportedly hired Little Finger as his Manager. Brady: “Me and Petyr really clicked. I mean, he’s so trustworthy. I feel like I can tell him anything.” Little Finger followed: “Tom is a special guy, who I really feel connected to, whether it’s watching his sordid sexual activities through the peepholes I installed in all of his houses, or just shooting the shit about all of the bad crap we’ve both done. He’s like my childhood love, Catelyn Tully, only with a penis. I just really hope I don’t have to kill him.”.