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True Detective Tuesday: More Frank Semyon!

Okay, despite all my ramblings about the shitshow that is TD2, I had to watch another episode, the fourth. Which once again was terrible. A quick summary of the plot. Rachel McAdams is put on “administrative leave” for hooking up with two guys at the precinct, once again hitting the writer’s misogynistic message that she’s a whore – yet is allowed to continue working on the case – meaning absolutely no fucking impact on our show. Taylor Kitsch continues to struggle with his sexual identity and basic speech – the later evident in a painful scene where he is reading at a third grade level off a computer screen. Colin Farrell, playing a now sober Ray Velcoro, makes us miss the old drunk Ray Velcoro – who as you may recall, was as much fun as a punch in the eye.

Taylor in sleep mode while Time Machine backs him up.
Taylor in sleep mode while Time Machine backs him up.

Then there’s the plot. There is none. They’re kinda looking for some Mexican gangbanger from central casting, who we the audience know has nothing to do with the actual murder. This gangbanger they find in the end, when he shows up with a ton of extras carrying machine guns, and they proceed to shoot at the three characters just mentioned, missing them of course, but killing hundreds of other extras. And that is episode 204. Wait, what am I missing? Isn’t there another character? Holy shit, there is! And that’s what this post is really about. The walking Fortune Cookie that is Frank Semyon. A character that requires no introduction, as his words speak for themselves. Here are just a few of his gems:

This is where the writers find many of Frank's lines.
The source of many of Frank’s lines.

“You don’t do someone else’s time.” Frank says this to his wife or girlfriend (not really sure who that milk-toast character is) in response to the suggestion they adopt a child. When his wife/girlfriend basically responds with a WTF? – Frank in a rare move clarifies his non-speak. “At least with your kids it’s your sins.” Got it. I understand! Frank doesn’t believe in adoption because… of sins? But he also talked about “time,” which is slang for prison, so maybe he doesn’t want prison babies. Or the writers actually smoked crack then typed the most random words they could think of, while screaming, “we’re so fucking rich!” Hmmm.

The man behind Orphan Annie is not Frank Semyon. He hates adopted kids.
The man behind Orphan Annie is not Frank Semyon. He hates adopted kids.

“Black rage goes a long way.” Frank says this to Colin Farrell, in a bar filled entirely with white people. Even by Frank Semyon’s standards, this statement is singular in its complete randomness.

shaft1
The white writer who handles Frank Semyon’s dialogue understands this brutha’s rage.

“Mow the fucking lawn. I don’t want any of these kids getting snakebit.” Frank says this to the latino owner of a hotel for illegal aliens, which presumably has a lot of snakes slithering around its lush grass. Frank is muscling the guy for 40%, because as we all know, the illegal alien hotel business is quite lucrative. Booming actually. Starwood is getting into it big time. Offering triple-starpoints, Mon-Thurs., offer void if the INS raids your room or Trump is with you.

Gardening in Frank's neighborhood.
Gardening in Frank’s neighborhood.

“Someone hit the warp drive, and I’m trying to navigate through the blur.” Hands down, my favorite Frank Semyon line. Having seen every Star Trek, from the original series, through the shitty Enterprise debacle with Scott Bakula, up through the last movie, Wrath of Benedict Cumberbatch, I can tell you, I know my Star Trek. Cold. As do most chubby white, nerdy writers, like the one’s fouling up TD2. So what does that tell us? The converse wearing writer gods that gave Frank Semyon life think we the audience are fucking idiots. Blur.

That doesn't look blurry at all.
This looks pretty clear to me.

“Sometimes your worst self, it’s your best self. Know what I’m saying?” No, Frank. We don’t. You’re a fucking crazy fruitloop. But that’s why we love/hate you, you big, cardboard bastard! Can’t wait to smoke some crack and fast forward to all of your scenes in episode 5. Blur.

Raise a glass to the worst written character in HBO history!
Raise a glass to the worst written character in HBO history!
About Marty 84 Articles
Hollywood screenwriter, reformed attorney and worshiper of the tiny princesses on Monster Island. Became a nerd as a child, thanks to lack of athletic ability, which turned me on to fantasy novels, scifi movies, and not having girlfriends. Favorite projects I've worked on as writer - adapting BBC SILK for the U.S., the Japanese anime BLACKJACK and currently my passion project, PANDORA. Soon to be a major comic book.
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