Pop Vinyl. It’s all I kept hearing about at Comicon. Ugly people in body inappropriate costumes blabbering over their 64 ounce Cokes: “They’re really cool!” “They make them for Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Dr. Who too.” “They are my best friends. Darn, my Hawkgirl wings don’t fit in the handicapped stall.” As I strode through the Convention Center looking awesome in my red Inuyasha kimono, I realized these misfits ridiculous obsession had captured my valuable attention.
I needed to see what “they” were, these “things” that dared tread in the world of The Doctor, in the realms of AMC’s shambling Dead and my beloved Lannisters… and then I found “them.” Revealing that cool sounding Pop Vinyl in reality were… Bobbleheads. As in lame Bobbleheads. What? How could this be? You mean the crappy things they give you at baseball games?
How dare you, Sirs. I quickly learned from the world wide web that the villains behind this travesty was a company called Funko. Not a fan of research, but excellent at jumping to unsupported conclusions, I quickly deduced without any data whatsoever that Funko was some mindless, Japanese company, snatching up licensing rights on the cheap and mass-producing plastic crap. Crap based on the television characters that make me draw breath every morning. I was outraged. I would bring these perverted Manga reading capitalists to their greedy knees.
I stormed into the local comic book store, tossing spindly armed geeks out of my way, demanding that they bring me the cursed Bobbleheads, so that we could make a proper Pop Vinyl bonfire, complete with dangerous fumes. Terrified by actual live confrontation, the hipster Magic the card game playing employees immediately brought forth all of their Pop Vinyl abominations. I looked down at scores of mass-produced 3.75 inch figurines. And they looked back. With adorable over-sized heads and big, expressive eyes. A teeny, tiny, White Walker, next to a big-eyed, smirking Khaleesi. Even Joffrey looked precious, with his tiny Pop Vinyl hands on his hips, his cartoonish face promising deadly mischief to all who crossed him.
I was frozen in shock. Because I was in love. Real love, not the kind you get married over. I needed to see more Funko figurines! And see more I did, as I emptied my wallet, shrieking to be serviced by the pockmarked employees of Comic Explosion. This is what they brought me…
OMG. Look at those black-eyed cuties. I love how The Master in the lower right corner looks like an adorable elf. You can barely see his disgusting tentacle throat mouth that he uses to inject parasitic vampirism causing worms into his terrified, screaming victims, many of them children, while draining out all of their fluids. What other vampire shows have been immortalized in Pop Vinyl? Don’t tell me you have…True Blood? Oh, bring it on.
The Sookie Funko totally is Sookie. Don’t believe me? Look. She’s carrying a drink tray with a bottle of True Blood and wearing her slutty green shorts. And the fourth figurine is 100% Alcide, the sexy were-wolf. Everyone knows that Joe Manganiello does not own any shirts. The Funko people are pros. I wonder if they make Buffy? And… BAM.
I just passed out. Look at the two Spikes in the lower left corner. Once is nice Spike, the other Spike in Vamp Face, which totally makes sense given Spike had different character arcs, going from super baddy Spike to super nice Spike and big-time FOB of Buffy. Damn, Funko really are superfans of the genre. I point this out to the weirdo store employees, thanking the universe I’m not a nerd. Then I wonder out loud if the Funkos watched Firefly and an enthusiastic Clerk/Dungeon Master brings me these…
I am going insane. How far will these Funkos go in pushing the “we are the best company ever” envelope? It’s one thing to do vampires, space cowboys, and zombies, but… would they dare tackle 500 foot naked giants that eat people alive? As in super-anime ATTACK ON TITAN, soon to be a major live action phenom in this country. Funko knows no fear, as these skinless sweeties are paraded out…
This is too much. I’m so fired up, I can’t feel my right arm, but I really don’t care if I die right now. This is too cool. I found a company that watches all the same shit as me. But I wonder if that’s actually true. Because I have secret viewing pleasures, shows you don’t get nerd cred dissing about at Starbucks. Shows not on hipster HBO, but on, yes I’ll say it, network broadcast television. Is it possible that… BOOM!
Yes, the gods at Funko watch ABC’s Once Upon A Time. Just like yours truly. I am buying stock. Right now. Liquidating everything and going all in. Let’s see… accessing Asian stock market with my computer skills and… Huh? Funko’s not Japanese? Owned by an American guy in the Sasquatch dwelling state of Washington? Can I deal with that? Processing and…. Hell yeah. Now I’m really hooked. I’m actually so worked up I’m getting hot and bothered. Normally I’d visit the depravity of some filthy German IP address on the internet, but is it possible that red, white and blue Funko could also handle my carnal needs? GOAL!
Pop Vinyl My Little Ponies. Bronies and Cloppers rejoice, as I gather the tiny horses, headed to some privacy. See you next week. I’m closing the restroom door at Comic Explosion, the police apparently summoned. And no, I’m not a paid endorser of Funko. But I will be!