The world’s fastest man, Abebe Bogale of Ethiopa, winner of multiple gold medals in the past two Olympics in the 100 and 200 meter sprints, was run over on Thursday by the world’s slowest driver, Doris Freedman, age 87, of Coco Beach, Florida. Bogale, described by sports writers as “Human Lightning” is the world record holder in both events, being able to sprint 100 meters in under 9.5 seconds, and 200 meters in 21.6 seconds. Mrs. Freedman, described by her grandchildren as a “real character”, is the owner of a 2007 Buick LeSabre, and takes approximately 2.4 minutes to pull out of her driveway, and averages 37 seconds to reach 30 miles per hour.
Despite his super-speed, witnesses describe Bogale’s attempt to outrun Mrs. Freedman, who reportedly ponderously changed direction multiple times in her efforts to hit Mr. Bogale, as impressive, yet ultimately doomed. “That Bogale guy, he was fast man. I mean, he could definitely start for the Dolphins – not that I couldn’t, fucking Dolphins,” witness Zack Bartow, age 26, commented. “But at the end of the day, a car’s a fucking car. That old broad was barely doing 25 mph, but it’s still faster than a dude, especially when he’s hiding in a Starbucks and she drives through the window.”
Bogale, who is recovering in St. Jude’s with broken legs and a bruised kidney, says he hopes to recover in time to compete in the 2013 Track and Field World Championships in Buenos Aires. “I really feel I can break the 9.5 barrier. Assuming the bone grafts hold.”
Representatives for Mrs. Freedman claim that the whole thing was a misunderstanding, as she was wearing her reading glasses, and only pursued Bogale thinking he was a parking meter.