FESTER FRIDAY: GENERAL POONHOUND

In an endless annual news cycle of pure crap, this week’s Petraeus scandal wins the prize.  Breaking News!  Generals like to bang skanks!  And so do politicians.  And fat middle aged men on business trips.  It’s just a matter of degree, and discretion, and level of stupidity.

The later criteria being where all of the jokers in this story truly impress me.  Let’s go through them, in chron order of the events in this second rate soap opera.

Jill Kelley.  Beirut born Tampa socialite who has a fetish for men in green uniforms.  A Bravo Housewives reject, married to a surgeon — and an “Honorary Counsel of Korea”, thanks to a different joker in this tepid tale.   What the fuck is an Honorary Ambassador of Korea?   Last I checked, the Koreans weren’t big fans of anyone not Korean … let alone a Kardashian wannabe.

Begging the question, who the hell is this woman, and how does someone like this exist, let alone live a life of luxury?  If there ever was a candidate for someone I think should be homeless, it’s Jill Kelley.  Instead of throwing galas, how bout you pay your fucking mortgage Jill!  The latter shot is cause there are claims she didn’t pay on time — but there are lots of claims in this mess.

But apparently Jill is good at one thing (two if you count getting high level military officials to act like morons):  e-mailing!  Cause she and Major General John Allen exchanged over 30,000 pages of them.  Huh?  What the fuck could have been so interesting that you write basically 100 novels?  “Hi General, it’s Jill.  Today I woke up and drank some Prosecco.  Then I drove my Mercedes down to my private gym, where I had the best Protein shake, and … thought about some new initiatives we could work on for Korea, because I’m very interested in the Koreans, even though I’m unaware they’re a separate culture and nation from  Japan.  Or China.  Or India.”

Bringing us to her “pen pal,” General Allen, who also helped create a body of work that Tolstoy would have envied … at least for sheer volume.  “Dear Jill.  Today I ordered two companies of Marines to engage a Taliban position in the hills east of Djarjuk.  Then I spent four hours e-mailing you, followed by a brief trip to our Eastern staging ground to inspect our new anti-aircraft defenses, followed by another two hours of writing these banal e-mails.”

Now, you might notice that there is no sexual content in the e-mails I’ve made up.  The reason for that is I believe General Allen.  General Allen claims that there was nothing inappropriate in the 30,000 pages of blather with an over-makeuped housewife– despite the fact that the content is being reviewed by investigators, and Allen still wants to be NATO Supreme Commander.  Wow.  That’s what I call confidence.  And I’m gonna believe his claims that there is nothing inappropriate — because if not, he is the most delusional motherfucker on the planet.  And that can’t be the case … cause this is a guy that has survived wars.  And commands the military that protects me … meaning if Allen turns out to be a moron, then … we’re all fucked.

Now, how are these two people in any way connected to the Director of the CIA stepping down for hooking up with Paula Broadwell?

The answer seems to be Paula Broadwell.  West Point Graduate, went to Harvard post-grad.  Up for her PhD.  Reserve Lt. Colonel.  Impressive on every level. And the complete opposite of Kelley, who seems to have no credentials other than her “I married a surgeon” degree, and I like Korean delis.  Except Broadwell has one small weakness.  She seems to like the General’s “rock,” to such an insane degree that she sent anonymous e-mails to Jill Kelley to “stay away from my guy,” an anonymous U.S. official stated.  And Jill Kelley did what anybody getting that anonymous e-mail would do — she called up a shirtless FBI agent and started a major Watergate level investigation.

And that’s the story.  Two women, two men in uniform, one confirmed sexual relationship, 30,000 pages of “harmless” e-mails, Korea and a lot of stupid decisions.

Petraeus, who threw away his life, wife and legacy for an affair.

Broadwell, who sent insane e-mails to an irrelevant woman,  destroying her future, over an aging dude that won’t leave his wife.

Allen, for creating a 30,000 page record of what at best will turn out to be evidence of massive loafing.

And Kelley who … actually acted the way one would expect an allegedly broke Tampa Honorary Korean Ambassador would act … randomly.

Earning Ambassador Kelley my vote.  Oh, I didn’t tell you I was gonna vote?

Game, set, match …. Ambassador  Kelley!