FESTER FRIDAY: THE MOON

That’s right.  The Moon.  I hate the fucking Moon.  And here’s why … it’s utterly worthless.  Because:

It’s not a planet.  It’s just a Moon.  And not a unique Moon.  There are trillions of Moons, all circling planets.  Not circling stars, but planets.  Cause Moons are planets’ bitches.

It’s light is worthless.  Can’t grow crops from Moonlight.  Can’t get warmth.  Can’t play golf.  Oh, but it does help you commit crimes at night.  And it causes Insomnia.

Werewolves.

Witches.

There are no aliens living on the Moon.  Boring!  At least Mars might have had life at some point, but the Moon?  No fucking way.

There are no good movies about the Moon.  Because there’s nothing on the Moon but dust.  Moon dust, the most boring fucking dust in the Universe.

It screwed up Martin Landau and his crew on SPACE 1999.  For those of you unfamiliar with the 60s cult classic, the Moon breaks out of orbit and hurdles through the Universe.  Only in the show, our country was stupid enough to have built a base on the lame-ass Moon – Moonbase Alpha (there’s no Beta for those wondering, cause the Moon doesn’t deserve two bases) – so everyone on the base is stuck on the crazy, space travelling moon.  And lots of monsters attack them, plus everyone on Earth dead, not that the Moon gives a shit.  Stupid Moon.

The Man in the Moon is an asshole.

The Moon is not made of cheese, which would be awesome.

There is no alcohol on the Moon.

It gives women periods, which I understand are unpleasant.

It cost our country gazillions of dollars to land on — yet nothing attacked the astronauts.  They brought guns to the Moon (they really did), cause NASA hoped there was something up there to fight, so they could test out the lasers, but nope.  That’s not how the Moon rolls.

It will eventually crash into the Earth and kill everything.  It will.  Eventually.  I read that somewhere, so it’s basically an Earth killer.  Fuck you Moon!