Fester Friday: The Shutdown!

I mean, how hard is it for government to do what it’s best at… spend our money! Yet, somehow, the clowns on both sides of the aisle can’t even agree to blow our hard earned cash! Well, I’ve had enough, and here are some ideas that will end this sucker…

Threaten the owls.

No, I have not finally lost it. That will be soon, but not today. Nor do I hate owls. I love them. Big headed, fuzzy, flying death machines, that swoop down on rodents and short people in the dead of night delivering a quick death. So, how will adding more extinctions to humanity’s bill get our post-office people paid before they go on shooting sprees.

Because Mitch McConnell is part owl.

Just look at the man. There was definitely some owl sex somewhere in his family tree. I’m not saying he’s half-owl, but if owls suddenly had casinos, ol’ Mitch would be getting big checks. In addition to the big checks he currently gets from the oil, steel and chaotic evil industries.

Cut off all media coverage of the shutdown.

If it’s not reported it doesn’t exist. At least that’s my motto. “Put your head in the sand,” was the law in my house growing up.

But for the more “concerned” readers, ending all media coverage will hurt the news corps’ profits and ratings. Which will make Wolf Blitzer mad, because there’s nothing Wolf hates more than the end of a crisis where he got no ratings, nor did he get to terrify America. Wolf, who is known for his explosive temper and mastery of seven martial arts schools of pain, will literally beat the shit out his panel. Including Jeffrey Toobin, who while being pummeled will smugly explain that Wolf is committing Felony Two Assault. Yes, I’m aware that Wolf going Tyler Durden on the air is unlikely to make Trump, Nancy and Owlboy waver, but it will be awesome to watch.

Turn the hippies against Nancy Pelosi.

There are three things Nancy Pelosi values more than her perfectly quaffed hair. Social justice and prosperity for all. Her massive tax-protected family wealth. And, duh, hippies. Filthy, funky, hippies. Because she’s the queen of the Castro, and still has memories of partying with the Dead back in the day.

Obviously she’s never going to abandon her quest for social and economic equality. And on the shit-ton of money front, it’s hard to ask others to pay for the less fortunate when you don’t have mountains of accumulated dragon wealth, so no-way Nancy parts with a nickel of her trove. Her hair’s damn expensive. Leaving us with the hippies. Toss them some grilled cheese sandwiches, tell them that she’s outlawed Phish, and bye bye unwashed weirdos loving the Nancy. The first cheese sandwich to hit Nancy’s mane, and bang, she’s voting for a wall! A damn big wall with lasers and catapults.

And finally, if all of the above measures don’t work – here’s one that will not fail.

Shut down all of Trump’s businesses.

“Ah, Mr. President, Mar Lago has been shut down. You can’t golf. And you’re not making money as of this second.” Insert massive bloodshed, the target being whatever idiot was forced by Pence to tell the Donald this gem. Game, set, match. Trump will open up the government quicker than a White House intern’s blouse. It will make your head spin.