It has long vexed me that my number two fear – Bigfoot – by all logical, rational, scientific means cannot exist. Why, you ask? Is it the absurdity of a giant primate in North America never being shot by the millions of people walking around our woods with beer and guns? Nah. Bigfoot’s super-fast. But… there is the problem of the poop. How do the hundreds and thousands of Squatch searchers not find poop, given the claim that there are thousands of Sasquatch throughout the world? And trust me, they never find Bigfoot do-do. I don’t care how many WHOOPS, GROWLS or TREE THUMPS the Finding Bigfoot team hears on a night hunt, unless Bobo’s stepping in a massive pile of Squatch shit mid-episode, no way an undiscovered eight-foot tall biological creature is out there. The creature apparently eats full-grown deer. But doesn’t shit. I have pot roast and ten minutes later I’m in the back bathroom ripping through Wine Spectator.
So does the poop problem mean that Bigfoot does not exist? Probably. Unless one buys into a fringe theory already circulating among a subgroup of cryptozoologists. And I’m taking out my credit card because…
Bigfoot is an alien!
Insane you say! Maybe not. Obviously any extra-terrestrial race capable of inter-galactic travel would have functional, and probably fabulous, bathrooms on board their space ships. Poop problem solved. Next… aliens? Come on! Until one looks at the “facts” backing up this alien explanation…
One, Bigfoot sightings often occur in the same locations as UFO sighting. This is true. Ask the guy at the end of the bar muttering to himself, and he’ll verify this. Skeptics may point out that the same demographic that walks around the woods looking for ten foot apes also believes in men from Mars. I call them dreamers, and that’s what the world is built on.
Second, Hollywood already knows the truth. Just look at the famous episode of the Six Million Dollar Man where he fights Bigfoot. How is that relevant you ask? Because Bigfoot turns out to be an alien robot! And robots don’t shit! Boom.
Third, the government has not denied the alien theory. Recently, in a closed door off-the-record meeting with a top government official, who asks not to be identified other than pointing out he has a luxurious sexy beard, that official said: “Will you shut up about Bigfoot and fucking aliens! I’m trying to watch the Jets.” When pressed, this same official admitted: “Fine. In your stupid make believe world, Bigfoot could be on a flying saucer. Now shut the fuck up before I smack you.” And that folks, in government speak, is confirmation!
Game, set, match. Though I think I’ve already written this post. Sorry, sometimes quality must be sacrificed.
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