Let’s get right into this snoozer, which I will never, ever see. Not even on cable. Not even on a plane where it’s on the tiny screen inches from my face in my claustrophobic economy seat, and my iPad dies, and I finish my Hot Warrior Broads In Sexy Chainmail On Mars novel, and the booze runs out. I wouldn’t see this if I was at Clint Eastwood’s house discussing him directing one of my movies, with an unsigned $1,000,000 production bonus check in front of me, and Clint, while handing me a 30 year old Scotch said: “Sure I’ll make your career, and get the Studio to sign that check. But, first, let’s just watch my baseball movie. It’s a hoot.” Sorry Clint. I respect the majority of your work, but not this time. I’ll be seeing myself out, and stay on the D List, thank you.
Where to start? First off, I’m assuming the movie theater is empty, which oddly bothers me. Statistically, you are more likely to be attacked in an empty movie theater, than a full movie theater. That said, you are more likely to be killed by a violent mob in a crowded movie than an empty one – which may be the case if you’re seeing a movie with a bummer ending – but that’s an entirely different post.
Now for the plot, and remember I’m totally guessing, as I’ve only seen the terrible trailers, and have not read a review. You’re gonna have to trust me on that one. You really are. Cause I might have read a review – but I didn’t. Really.
Act One. Clint’s this old grump at a baseball game. We find out he knows a lot about baseball, and specifically pitching. And specifically throwing curve balls. Hence the title. We also find out Clint is the last of a “dying breed” of scouts, who had a lot of success in the past, but now is a bit of a fossil. Some supporting actor is championing a new system of finding guys that throw curve balls, probably based on a computer. Because part of the message of this movie is that computers suck. Clint’s character also hates computers – as does Clint in real life I’d imagine – and probably tells the audience multiple times how much computers blow. He might actually use the word “blow,” which is supposed to get laughs, because old codgers like Clint shouldn’t be using that language.
By the end of the act, we find out Clint’s facing retirement, and ain’t happy about it. Oh yeah, there’s another big plot point, based on the fact that I saw Amy Adams in the trailer. She’s his estranged daughter, and somehow knows baseball, cause she’s Clint’s kid. I find this premise ridiculous, as she’s Amy Adams, and if there’s any actress that knows nothing about sports, it’s Amy Adams. If you doubt me, just watch ENCHANTED. She wasn’t acting in that movie. Amy Adams really is like that. She’s a happy princess, all rainbows and songbirds. Some dude in the business told me that. He was like a Grip or something, and they know everything on set. They do.
Anyway, I’m sure a lot of the movie is about their relationship. Clint wasn’t there for Amy as a kid, cause he was always on the road scouting and banging whores. I’m kidding on the latter, cause Clint never would do that in any movie … though he did do that in the Man with No Name movies, but that was young Clint. Old Clint’s not that really into banging anything.
Speaking of banging, just remembered Justin Bieber, no wait, Justin Timberlake in movie. Assuming he’s all on that sweet Amy Adams thang. But of course, no way Clint allows a sex scene he’s not part of — or maybe he is — ugggh. I just got sick. Forget I even brought this up.
Moving on, Amy’s looking for a relationship with Clint now, and wants to work with Clint, cause she’s this baseball genius, and the two of them bond, but then they don’t, cause Clint’s this crotchety old guy that complains and bitches, and is generally not fun to watch.
Which is the big problem with this movie! Old people are not fun, unless you are closely related to the old person, or you actually are the old person. If one of those two boxes are not checked, my advice is put on your earphones and don’t make eyecontact with them when they ask you to help them into the supermarket restroom. You’re walking into a nightmare. You really are.
Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about this stupid movie. Let’s just end the misery. Movie ends with them finding some clown that can throw a killer curveball. I’m assuming he does it playing, who else, the hated New York Yankees. Cause the New York Yankees are always the bad guys in every Major League Baseball movie. And by the way, it’s not cause they’re evil – it’s cause they are awesome.
So, the curve ball asshole strikes out Jeter or something, and everyone’s like, Clint you old fuck, you still got it. But Clint is like, no, it wasn’t me, it was my baseball prodigy daughter, Amy Adams – who is in the bathroom putting on more eyeliner, and texting the cast of Glee with her pink Unicorn iPhone.
And the movie ends with them having a relationship. OR … they go for the tears, and Clint dies, which I’d find more satisfying. But I’m not sure Clint is comfortable enough with mortality to kill himself in this one, so my guess is he lives to complain another day.
I give this movie One Asparagus. Avoid it at all costs. That’s what I did. Which is why I’m not Festering this Friday.
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