Ramblings Not At The Oscars!

Nope, even though I live a mile away … for some reason lost to me and involving a ridiculous legal document called a Restraining Order, I will not attend this year.   But I can still share my immense knowledge and wisdom to make some predictions which I guarantee will come true.  So let’s get this bitch rollin.

First, the HOST.  Seth MacFarlane.  Funny, sarcastic, a perpetual self-satisfied smirk on his face — he will be really really funny, and really really hated by the Monday Morning pundits as they “grade” the host.  One reason for this is that everybody over the age of 45 will have no idea who he is — while everyone under the age of 45 will be confused as to how the Family Guy guy got the gig.  But not as confused as the Anne Hathaway and James Franco dynamic duo.  Poor Anne.  Franco set her up.  Because that’s what stoner’s do.

BEST ACTOR.

Lincoln.  Daniel Day Lewis takes out his putter and knocks the ball in … the distance of the putt being two inches.  Although there is a chance that Denzel — staying in character from Flight — gets so drunk that he knocks Lewis to the ground, grabbing the Oscar, and drops his pants, soiling the coveted award.  I wouldn’t mind seeing the Pi kid win, since I heard his screaming as the Tiger eats his liver was loud and really realistic.

BEST ACTRESS.

Katniss Everdeen.  The scene where she climbs the tree and shoots arrows at Woody Harrelson had me glued to my chair.  And the scene where she’s in another tree shooting arrows.  Or the scene where she’s running, shooting arrows, like a female Legolas, but with more testosterone … Jen Lawrence earned this one, big time.  Upset pick.  The little kid from the New Orleans movie.  Her speech consisting of thanking her CAA team, her publicity team, her management team, her puppy, CHOMPY, oh, and her legal team …

BEST WRITER.

Nobody cares.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS.

“I dreamed a dream … I’m French and starving … and a whore … la la la.”  Anne Hathaway nailed that song, which is why she nails a guy named Oscar tonight.  Good job Annie … Tiny chance that Sally Field steals it, basically because she was amazing in NORMA RAY, but hopefully we don’t see that.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR.

Christopher Waltz.  At least based on merit, skill and a brilliant character.  The reality is that who wins the award need not meet any of those criteria, which is why Deniro could win … for playing … Robert Deniro in Silver Lining Playbook — also called, my crazy son is really nuts and annoying.

BEST DIRECTOR.

Let’s see.  Oh yeah, Tarantino for Dhango.  But wait, he wasn’t nominated?  Odd.  So … ah, Affleck.  What’s that you say?  He’s not nominated either?  Hmmm.  Okay, the movie where the stupid guy from Parks and Recreation shoots Bin Laden.  Bigelow’s not in the theater either?  Which makes this award total crap.  Spielberg obviously opened some very good bottles of wine in a lot of Hollywood Rest Homes when the Oscar Nominations were being voted on … which is why he wins for the rather boring biopic that is Lincoln.  But how amazing would it be if the old French guy — who directed the old French movie that nobody saw, not even in France,  because it’s about really old people — won?  Spielberg may actually stand up and shout at the President of the Academy, “This is bullshit!  I paid for this Henry! You’re a dead man!  A fucking dead man!  Your kids too!”  While the French Director, whose name nobody cares about, babbles in French like he’s the Emperor of the Universe, the orchestra music trying to drown the pretentious asshole out.  Might happen.  But doubtful.

BEST PICTURE.

Argo will win, because everyone is perpetually amazed that Ben Affleck’s not the dumb fratboy that we want him to be.  And Argo is good.  I can live with it winning.  But I’m not happy.  Because …Dhango Unchained’s the best movie of the year.  Period.  Once again, Tarantino goes for it, giving us an amazing, edgy, and brutally hilarious movie that shocks and entertains.  Unfortunately, the ancient academy voters won’t have the balls to vote for this masterpiece, or will vote for Life of Pi, because of the awesome scene where the Tiger eats the kid … about five minutes into the movie.  Blood and guts everywhere, as the kid yells “Holy shit, there’s a Tiger on this boat!”  Yes, that’s what actually happens.  I dare you to watch Life of Pi and prove me wrong!  I dare you!  Knowing you won’t.