Ramblings’ Not At the Oscars: The Golden Globes.

First off, Happy 2016! And happy 1998 to those of you living in Eastern Europe and Glendale. Very excited to get this year going with some thoughts on the saucy start of Awards season in Hollywood… The Golden Globes!

Now before I start, I’d like to apologize for the paucity of posts recently, but I’ve been very involved consulting on the new Star Wars movie, which I am assured is going to be 100% original. In no way will it in any way resemble The Empire Strikes Back. Not at all. Darth Vader will not appear in it, nor will Luke lose a limb. Though I’m told that the black kid loses his foot after fighting with his Dad, Lando Calrissian, renamed Darth Smoothe. Yoda also will appear in the movie, but will be female, though I’m not sure their species has genitals. Her name will be Yoda.

Now, back to the Golden Globes. The big get this year was Ricky Gervais hosting for the fourth time – because everybody was bored of hilarious Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Plenty of NBC promos where Ricky promised he’d be super edgy, offensive, apocalyptic. He told Matt Lauer on The Today Show to hide the kids, because he was gonna F the collective minds of the American public with his edge. We’re talking vorpal swords. So I watched and… my mind was not F’d. Not even fingered. Barely a kiss.

Here’s a quick rundown of Ricky’s sometimes funny but not outrageous jokes:

Sean Penn ratted out El Chapo. Anyone who saw The Falcon and the Snowman saw that coming.

Golden Globes are worthless and he uses his to attack intruders and for sexual self-pleasure. Funny, but not completely improbable. The Brits are filthy.

The Martian is NOT a Comedy. I agree. Ricky then comically confused Eddie Redmayne with a girl, because he’s in The Danish Girl… and is pretty. Like a girl. He’s a pretty boy, despite being a ginger. Had he combined his Golden Globe sex toy bit with molesting Eddie Redmayne, that might have offended me and certainly alarmed Eddie.

In Ricky’s defense, he did actually cross the line with Mel Gibson, telling the crowd he’s an anti-semitic, alcoholic – with Mel about to walk onstage. That takes guts, given Mel’s a crazy, alcoholic, anti-semitic Aussie. Then again, Ricky’s not Jewish, which made it safe.

Some other random observations:

Where were the normal TV people? Every time a TV category came up, the dude from Y Tu Mama Tambien kept running up crying, or that cat-eyed alien-looking kid from Mr. Robot. What’s with his face? Who would make a robot looking like that guy? He looks like an extra from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. His show should be called Mr. Eyeballs.

Denzel Washington is by far the most attractive person in his family. Sorry, but he’s a damn fine looking man.

Harrison Ford was way more stoned than bear-hat Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. Which is impressive at Ford’s age, as is the bad judgment in wearing an earring in your early 70s.

The Today Show people should never leave the set of The Today Show. They are too important to risk abroad.

Leonardo DiCaprio was the coolest person in the room – and thinks that Lady Gaga is absurd. He also probably banged her. Actually, make that definitely.

The Hollywood Foreign Press seems to be the same organization as FIFA. Corrupt but fun.

Melissa McCarthy lost a lot of weight. Good for her! Spy was much funnier than The Martian.

I think Christian Bale was there, but nobody cared. He must be pissed. He’s fucking Christian Bale.